


Can't Fight These Feelings

by TVTime



Category: Glee
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Best Friends, Cathy Hayes, Coming Out, Connie Sterling, Dalton Academy, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Drama, Fluff, Frank Sterling, Hidden real relationship, Homophobia, Humor, Ian Duval, Jeff is a neatfreak, Jeff is shy, John Sterling, M/M, Maggie Duval - Freeform, Malapropisms, Malinda the maid, Mark Sterling, Nick is sweet, Nick wishes he were gay, Nick's great with feelings but awful with words, Niff, Original Character(s), Quentin Smythe, Robyn Sterling, Romance, Sandra Duval, Sebastian is snarky, Sebastian is the unofficial third major character, Susan Sterling, Turn into more, figuring out sexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-01-27 16:27:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1717115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TVTime/pseuds/TVTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not uncommon in literature, or even in life, for a gay guy to fall in love with his straight best friend. This story puts a spin on that. Nick is a straight guy who develops strong feelings for his gay best friend, Jeff. They want to be together, but is that even possible given Nick's orientation?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was originally conceptualized as a one shot, but it significantly lengthened into a full-size, multi-chapter story. It will cover a long span of time, but I'll try to keep the pacing brisk without leaving out any key points.

 

**Can't Fight These Feelings**

 

**Chapter 1 – First Impressions**

 

Four-year-old Nick Duval sat cuddled in his dad's lap, his head resting against the man's shoulder as the credits rolled on a movie the family had just finished watching. Nick couldn't remember the name of the movie, but it was animated and it had featured a bunch of really cool dinosaurs.

“You want to watch _Will & Grace_?” Nick's mom, Sandra, inquired addressing Nick's dad. As she did so, she gently readjusted Nick's three-year-old sister, Maggie, who was napping in her lap. About fifteen minutes into the movie Nick had turned to see his sister's reaction to one of the scenes on screen and found her asleep. Nick had wanted to wake Maggie up so she wouldn't miss the movie, but his mom had shushed him and insisted he leave her alone.

“Sure, I could go for something with some live, human actors,” Nick's dad, Ian, answered with a laugh as he reached around Nick to grab the remote control from the nearby table.

“I don't wanna watch that!” Nick whined, turning a pair of big, pleading brown eyes on his mom.

“Why not, baby?” Sandra asked. “It's funny.”

“I don't get any of the jokes.”

“Well that's okay, honey. They'll be funny when you're older,” Nick's mom responded.

“I prolly won't 'member them anymore then,” Nick remarked, as he folded his small arms and pouted. “And why does those mens spend so much time with those ladies if they isn't they wives?”

“Those guys are gay, buddy. That means that they don't want wives. They want husbands,” Ian answered as he tilted Nick further back to look at him while he spoke.

“Well then they oughta just marry each other,” Nick pointed out.

“But then the show would end,” his mom answered.

“That's okay!” Nick told her, grinning. “Then we can watch more dinosaur movies. 'sides, Steven Harris says his mommy and daddy told him it was bad for boys to like each other like that.”

“Well Steven Harris' family believes something different, buddy. But that's not true and I don't want you to think that, okay?” Ian stated as he traded glances with Nick's mom.

“Okay daddy, but who's right? You and mommy or Steven's mommy and daddy?”

“Umm,” Ian faltered.

“We're right, dear, but people get upset when you tell them they're wrong, so we want you to be polite okay?” Sandra answered.

“Okay mommy...but what do I do if a boy ever likes me like that?” Nick asked.

“Well it depends on if you like him back or not,” Ian answered. “If you do, then that's great and he can be your boyfriend. If not, then you should be really nice about it, but tell him you don't feel that way about him.”

“Okay, I guess I can do that...Can I go my room now and watch SpongeBob 'cause I don't like this show?” Nick asked.

“Sure honey, that's fine,” his mom answered, smiling at him.

“Can I have some cookies too?” Nick asked sweetly, knowing it was probably out of the question since he had already gotten to eat cookies for his afternoon snack.

“No, but you can have an apple,” his dad answered.

“Aww shucks!” Nick exclaimed, dramatically making a sideways fist motion in disappointment and enjoying the way his parents giggled at his antics. He hopped off his dad's lap and left the room.

**\--000--**

 

_~Ten Years Later~_

“Nick, don't pick that up by yourself!”

Nick rolled his eyes and glanced at his mom. She was hurrying toward him from the back of the SUV, where she had been unloading some of his suitcases, to the left-rear door where he was pulling out a large box of books. “Mom, I got it.”

“No, you're going to hurt yourself, baby,” Sandra insisted as she squeezed in next to him and grabbed one side of the box herself, trying to shoo his hands away. “We'll carry it together.”

“Mom, I am _not_ walking into a brand new school with my _mother_ helping me carry a box,” Nick insisted, mortified by the idea and trying to yank the box away from her. He was fourteen for goodness sake, not seven. When he had packed the night before it had made sense to get as many things as he could into as few boxes as possible. After all fewer boxes meant fewer trips back and forth, but logic aside, he did have to admit it wasn't going to be pleasant toting the heavy behemoth of books up to his new, third-story dorm room. 

“Maggie, come and help your brother with this box,” Sandra shouted to Nick's thirteen-year-old sister who had already picked up a couple of suitcases.

“You have gotta be kidding me,” Nick said in unison with Maggie. He rolled his eyes and smirked at her, getting an amused shrug back in response.

“What? You said you wouldn't let me help you,” Sandra said innocently.

“Oh yeah, but it'll look so much cooler carrying it with my little sister,” Nick responded sarcastically, knowing his mother probably hadn't really intended to make Maggie carry half the box. He suspected that she still fully intended to do it herself though, so he tried to appeal to reason. “Besides lifting it with two people will just be harder, more...laborsome.”

“That's not a word, Nickface,” Maggie cut in, rolling her eyes and shaking her head at him. “You mean 'laborious' or 'cumbersome.'”

“Yeah, those,” Nick agreed, nodding at his mom and once again trying to tug the box away.

“Nicholas James Duval, you are not starting classes at Dalton Academy with a hernia. So just-”

“Dad!!” Maggie squealed.

Nick grinned and looked up in time to see his dad's car pulling into an open spot a few spaces down. His sister took off at a run so that she could hug the man as soon as he stepped out of the vehicle, but Nick instead hung back with his mom, carefully watching for her reaction. She caught his eye and gave him a smile, nodding toward his dad in silent encouragement to go ahead. With his guilt alleviated, Nick jogged over to join his sister in welcoming their dad.

“Come here, buddy!” Ian urged as soon as he'd finished embracing Maggie.

“Hey dad,” Nick said casually, still not wanting to seem too excited to see the man in front of his mom. His parents' divorce had been finalized only two months earlier and it was still a period of adjustment for the fractured family. Nevertheless, inside Nick was thrilled to see his dad and hugged him tightly, only slightly worried about the possibility of being seen doing so by his new schoolmates.

“I'm so proud of you, Nick,” Ian said as he released him, but kept one arm around his shoulders as they walked back toward the SUV. Nick felt a small glow in his chest at the praise, glad that he had pleased his dad. Ian continued, “But you're sure this is what you want for yourself right? I don't want you to feel like you have to come here just because I'm an alumni.”

“It's 'alumnus' since you're just one person, dad,” Maggie interjected, obviously pleased with herself for knowing the distinction.

“Thanks, honey,” Ian answered, wrapping his other arm around the girl.

Nick rolled his eyes, annoyed by the pedantic streak his sister had developed in recent months. Maggie had begun to retreat into her books and schoolwork around the time their parents' marital problems had begun, but despite this observation, Nick didn't know what to do to actually help her. As he reflected on it more he decided that perhaps she didn't even necessarily need help. Nick himself had turned to music to deal with his feelings. At first he had just listened to various bands and explored different genres, but recently he had also begun singing more and more and was even trying to learn the guitar. With his own new hobby in mind, Nick reasoned that maybe reading was an okay outlet for his sister after all. He turned his attention back to his dad and remembered that he'd been asked a question.

“Yeah, I'm sure, dad. Dalton has a great glee club that I really wanna check out, plus it's just a good school in general.”

Ian nodded and squeezed Nick's shoulder, seeming appeased by the response as they approached Nick's mom.

“Hi Sandy,” Ian said softly. Nick watched as his dad let go of him and Maggie and awkwardly stepped forward to hug their mother.

“Hi Ian,” Sandra replied as she returned the embrace and added a quick peck on his cheek. Nick wasn't sure how much of this display was for his and Maggie's benefit or how much they might actually have been pleased to see each other. Nick was well aware of the fact that his parents were going out of their way to get along in front of him and his sister. At first this charade had only made Nick angry because it felt like they were lying to him, pretending everything was okay when it wasn't. However, as time went on and he would occasionally overhear them arguing from another room, or bickering on the phone, he realized that was even more confusing and upsetting. It always made him feel like he had to figure out who was in the wrong. Then being angry at one of his parents would just make Nick feel guilty, confused, and angry all over again. Eventually he decided that, even though it might be selfish, he was okay with his mom and dad only fighting behind his and Maggie's backs. At least that way he didn't feel like he had to pick a side.

After they had gotten everything squared away regarding who would be carrying what to the dorm room – Nick agreed to compromise with his dad, each carrying the heaviest box for only half the distance – they set about actually moving Nick in. With four people helping, and the fairly minimal amount of things Nick had brought to begin with, it didn't take long. It even turned out that there was an elevator. Before he knew it Nick was standing in his new room saying goodbye to his family.

“Bye baby, I love you. Call me anytime, day or night, if you need anything,” Sandra said as she squeezed him tightly.

“I will mom. I love you too.” Nick answered as he hugged her back. He had noticed the slight trembling in her voice and knew that she was close to tears. Somehow that realization made his own chest start aching as the fact that he would actually be living somewhere without either of his parents nearby truly began to set in. It had been weird enough when he had spent weekends at his dad's new house, but at least then the man himself was familiar and comfortable to Nick. Sleeping somewhere new all alone was going to be quite strange indeed.

Nick reconsidered that assessment as he looked at the other, still-unoccupied, half of the room. He wouldn't be alone after all: he would have a roommate. That was both exciting and nerve-racking. Nick was outgoing and liked meeting new people, but what if he and his new roomie didn't have anything in common? What if the guy was just a big jerk? In addition to possible personality conflicts, Nick was also worried about privacy concerns. He wasn't really all that worried about changing in front of another guy, even though it was something he had never actually done before. Nick wasn't shy about his body and he figured that though he was short for his age, he was mostly developing normally. No, what really worried him was how he was going to get enough alone time to take care of a certain 'need' that had been getting stronger and been requiring more frequent attention in recent months.

“Bye Nickface,” Maggie said, snapping him from his thoughts as she too embraced him.

“Goodbye Margaret,” Nick responded, knowing that it annoyed her when people called her by her full first name.

“Nickkkk,” Maggie whined, pulling back and pouting at him.

“I'll text you later,” he said, getting a smile out of her. It bothered him slightly that their parents had gotten her a cell phone a few weeks earlier even though she was only thirteen when he himself hadn't gotten one until a few months prior on his fourteenth birthday. However, he couldn't find it in his heart to complain since he knew how happy it had made her and also because he suspected that the gifts were a way for their parents to assuage their guilt. He had also gotten quite a bit of new stuff since they had announced their divorce, including the new guitar he was working on learning.

“Bye son, call me anytime too, okay? I love you,” Ian said as he wrapped his arms around Nick and then ruffled his hair as he released him.

“Bye dad, I love you. Will do,” Nick answered, as he shook his long, dark bangs back into place.

“I love you too, Maggie,” Nick added as he let go of his dad and it occurred to him that his sister might feel left out since she was the only one he hadn't said it to.

“You too, Nickface,” Maggie answered as she took their dad's hand and started yanking him toward the door. “Come on, dad, let's go get my stuff out of mom's car so we can leave.”

Nick looked at his mom with concern. He had known all along that the plan was for Maggie to go home with their dad since it was his weekend to have her, but it had just occurred to Nick that this would be the first time since the divorce that his mother hadn't had either of her kids staying with her.

“I'm fine, baby,” Sandra said with a smile as she leaned in to kiss Nick's cheek. “You just deal with getting settled in here, and don't worry about me.”

It made Nick feel better when he noticed the guilty look his dad gave his mom. 'Call her tonight,' Nick mouthed discreetly to his sister when his parents weren't looking. She nodded.

After his family had left Nick spent some time getting his things situated. Once he was done he decided to go through his iTunes library and see if he could select a song to audition with on Monday afternoon for Dalton's glee club. In truth he had already 'selected' more than a dozen songs over the last several weeks, but he kept second guessing his decisions and changing his mind. He knew that the 'Warblers,' as the school called the group, were a pretty big deal on campus and that he would need to pull out all the stops if he wanted to make the cut. He cursed his fledgling guitar talent for being inadequate to allow him to accompany himself, which he felt would have been much more impressive. As he was scanning his tracklist for the tenth time he heard the sound of a key clinking into the room's now-locked door.

“-no need to bring your winter clothes,” a man's voice was saying as the door swung open. “They're just a waste of space.”

“I like to have all my stuff, dad,” a tall, blond teenager about Nick's age insisted as he walked into the room, his arms loaded with clothes. He smiled nervously when he saw Nick. Behind him entered the man who had been complaining about the boy's winter wardrobe. He looked like an older, heavier, balding version of his son, but in place of the anxious expression the young blond wore, he had a confident, mildly bored look. Trailing in last was a classically pretty woman, whom Nick couldn't help but look twice at despite her age. Like the boy, both adults were laden with piles of clothing.

“Hey,” Nick said with a friendly grin and a small wave as he slid off his bed and stood up, eager to make a good impression. He stuck out his hand and addressed the blond. “I'm Nick Duval.”

“Jeff Sterling,” the blond answered quietly as he fumbled to hold his load with one arm so that he could take Nick's hand and give it a light squeeze. Nick noticed a small blush coloring Jeff's cheeks and chalked it up to shyness or perhaps awkwardness over the mound of garments he was still carrying.

“Mark Sterling, and this is my wife Susan,” the man said as he stepped around Jeff, deposited his own bundle on the unoccupied bed, and then extended his hand for Nick to shake.

“It's good to meet you,” Nick said, still smiling as he made the acquaintance of each of the Sterling adults in turn. Once the general pleasantries were over Nick spoke again. “You need any help bringing stuff up, Jeff?”

Jeff nodded, not making eye contact with Nick. Instead his father spoke. “Thank you, Nick, that would be greatly appreciated. I'm afraid Jeff here doesn't know how to pack light. He brought everything but his baby blanket.”

Another blush colored Jeff's cheeks and Nick couldn't help but notice that the comment had come off as rather critical as opposed to playfully teasing the way he would have expected.

“Well heck,” Nick answered, mindful of his language in front of the adults. “I bet it gets chilly around here at night. Maybe he should have brought that too.”

Jeff glanced up and smiled slightly in response, and for the first time Nick got a long enough look at his eyes to notice that they were brown.

“Well let's not stand around. The sooner we finish, the sooner we can be on our way,” Mark declared

Nick followed the Sterling males out of the room while Mrs. Sterling remained behind to hang up Jeff's clothes.

“Honestly, how one teenage _guy_ can have so many clothes is beyond me,” Jeff's father complained as they walked down the hallway. “I doubt if your mother will be able to find room for them. We'll probably have to take the damn things back with us.”

Nick stole a sideways glance at Jeff to see how he was reacting. The blond was looking at the floor as he walked, his long bangs covered much of his face, but Nick could tell by his body language that he was uncomfortable.

“If you need extra closet space, Jeff, you can hang some stuff in my closet,” Nick offered, clapping his new roommate on the shoulder. “I had some room left over.”

“As well you should, son. Most normal guys would,” Mark turned and glared at Jeff. “Hear that, Jeff? Nick had plenty of space leftover. I hope you think about the fact that you're only just moving in and _already_ inconveniencing your roommate by taking up space in his closet with your clutter.”

“I don't mind,” Nick insisted, patting Jeff's back and wishing he could figure out a way to just make Mr. Sterling shut up.

When they reached the parking lot Nick discovered that they had needed to take two cars to accommodate all of Jeff's things, a fact which Mark Sterling was quick to complain about. As Nick walked with Jeff back into the residence hall, he attempted to engage him in conversation.

“So, you from Westerville originally, Jeff?” Nick inquired as he leaned the box he was carrying against his hip so that he could open the door for them.

Jeff opened his mouth to answer, but before he got the chance his father walked past them and through the door Nick was bracing. “Nope, we're from the 'burbs around Cincinnati.”

Jeff nodded and sighed quietly before following his father through the door. “Thanks,” he mumbled at Nick as he walked past.

By the time they had finished unloading all of Jeff's things, Nick was frustrated and worn out. In addition to being tired from the work he had been doing, he still hadn't actually gotten much of a chance to get to know Jeff, which had been one of his main goals in the first place. Every time Nick tried to ask Jeff a question, his father would answer for him and then hijack the conversation. By the time the cars had been emptied, Nick knew quite a bit more about Mr. Sterling than he did about his new roommate. He had also only managed to learn that Jeff's mother's name was Susan and that she was a dental hygienist. He had tried to ask her what all she did on a typical day, but instead he had somehow ended up getting to hear a drawn out version of Mr. Sterling's philosophy on proper gum care. Of course Nick should have realized that as a business executive, Mr. Sterling was much better qualified to wax poetic about periodontics than his poor, ignorant wife who merely worked in the dental industry.

“Bye Jeff,” Mr. Sterling said simply as they dropped off the last of Jeff's things. The man had managed to time things so that he had just long enough to finish regaling Nick with a story about his new desk chair at work.

“Bye son,” Mrs. Sterling said, speaking for what must have been only the second or third time all afternoon as she gave Jeff a hug and kissed his cheek.

“Don't embarrass the boy in front of his friend, Susan,” Mr. Sterling chided as he waited impatiently by the door. “Come on, you'll see him soon enough. Honestly you'd think he was going off to war with all the fuss you're making.”

Nick couldn't help but snicker slightly at the relieved look that crossed Jeff's face once his parents had left the room.

“You need help unpacking?” Nick asked, still smiling. As he looked around at the many boxes, bags, and suitcases, littering the room, he wondered if perhaps he should have simply posed his question as a statement instead.

“It's okay,” Jeff answered quietly, avoiding eye contact with Nick as he searched for something in one of his suitcases.

“It's okay you want me to help or it's okay stay out of your stuff?” Nick asked for clarification, throwing in a chuckle at the end to indicate he wouldn't mind either way.

“It's u-up to you,” Jeff answered, struggling to get the words out. Nick found himself wondering just how often Jeff did get a chance to speak for himself. His father was certainly a loudmouth, but surely Jeff was used to talking to people at school and in other social settings, even if he didn't get the opportunity at home.

“I'll help,” Nick stated, giving Jeff another smile that went unnoticed thanks to his downcast eyes. Nick thought of a way to make Jeff look at him. “You want me to start with this box or that one,” Nick asked, pointing but otherwise making no indication of which ones he meant.

To his dismay Jeff still didn't raise his eyes. Instead he just shrugged and mumbled something nearly inaudible that sounded like, “whichever.”

“Eugh! This won't work,” Nick exclaimed in a loud, frustrated voice as he threw himself down on his own bed.

Jeff's head snapped up, surprise and distress written all over his face. “I'm s-sorry. P-Please, don't change rooms.”

Nick's expression softened and he found himself feeling guilty for his outburst. “I don't wanna change rooms. I just meant this shy business won't work. Come on, man, we _live_ together now. We gotta be able to talk to each other.”

Jeff nodded but dropped his eyes back down to his lap again. “Okay...I guess I c-could use h-help unpacking.” Nick watched as Jeff set his face in determination and forced himself to raise his head again and make eye contact. “That box, please,” Jeff said in a tone much too serious for the circumstances as he pointed to a box near Nick's feet.

Nick wanted to laugh, but forced himself not to so that he wouldn't embarrass his roommate or squelch the small amount of progress he had made.

“Sure thing,” Nick responded as he got up from his bed and hunched over the requested box.

While they unpacked Nick continued trying to draw Jeff into a conversation. At first all he got were quiet, one-word answers, but eventually he managed to get the blond to open up enough to discuss some of his interests. That was when Jeff shyly admitted that he planned to audition for the Warblers.

“Dude, that's awesome! I'm gonna try out too,” Nick declared, putting the book he was unpacking into Jeff's bookcase upside down due to his excitement. When he noticed Jeff looking past him at the shelf in distress he caught his mistake and flipped it over, simultaneously making a mental note that Jeff seemed to have a preference for being well-organized. If it had been Nick's bookcase he wouldn't have cared.

“Cool,” Jeff answered, somehow managing to sound both enthusiastic and reserved at the same time. “What are you going to sing?”

Nick gave him a wide grin as he picked up another handful of books, delighted that Jeff was taking the initiative to ask him a question – and in a stutter-free voice at that!

“Not sure yet. I'm thinking maybe some Maroon 5 or some Justin Timberlake. What do you think, could I bring 'Sexy Back' or what?”

Jeff gasped and fumbled with the stack of underwear he was loading into his chest-of-drawers, dropping half the briefs on the floor, and scrambling to pick them up. “Uh wow...yeah you could...I-I mean, sure I bet you'd s-sound good singing that.”

“I just joking around, man. I know I don't exactly have sex appeal,” Nick answered, amused by how flustered his roommate had gotten. “So what about you? Whatcha gonna do?”

“About what?” Jeff asked, looking up with wide eyes and his signature nervous blush.

“Your audition. What are you gonna sing?” Nick answered, hoping Jeff wouldn't always be so jumpy.

“Oh...my dad said I should do a country ballad.”

“Really? You don't seem like the country type.”

“I'm not, but he said it's the most...uh manly,” Jeff answered with a shrug. “I don't think he really likes the idea of me singing too much.”

Nick frowned. “Well you know if you don't sing something you can relate to that's gonna come across in your audition. Besides it's not like he's going to be watching.” Nick suspected that Jeff's self-involved father had probably never bothered to watch anything that Jeff was doing. He pushed those thoughts aside and focused on encouraging his new friend instead. “You should do something you feel, Jeff. Whose your favorite band or singer?” Jeff shrugged again, obviously reluctant to answer so Nick gently prodded him. “Come on, you can tell me. No judgment, I promise.”

“Well I like American Idol,” Jeff said after a little while.

Nick could tell he was watching him carefully, trying to get a feel for his reaction. “Yeah, American Idol is good. I like it too.”

“Well, you know...that guy?”

“Maybe, which one?” Nick asked, trying to keep from smirking.

“Ad-uh, David Cook,” Jeff answered, nervously tearing open another box.

“Oh yeah, he's good,” Nick answered, having already resolved to say something positive about whoever Jeff revealed. “I know a lot of people think it's lame, but I think American Idols has had some excellent artists.”

Jeff hesitated for a moment, seemingly in deliberation. Finally he added, “I liked Adam Lambert too. He was really good!” Jeff said with uncharacteristic enthusiasm before worry creased his face. “Uh, you know, for a gay guy.”

Nick considered the statement for a few seconds before responding. Obviously Jeff was uncomfortable talking about gays or saying anything positive about them. It irritated Nick at first, but then he realized that there was a good chance the sentiment came more from Jeff's father than from Jeff himself, and anyway, underlying the comment there did seem to be good intent.

“I know you didn't really mean anything bad by that, but you know it kinda sounds bad adding 'for a gay guy.' That's like saying 'she's really smart for a girl,' or 'he's really nice for a black guy.' There's no reason those things should impact whether someone is talented, smart, or nice, so you don't need to add it.”

Nick watched as Jeff looked up from the box he was unpacking, an expression of surprise and anxiety etched across his face. “I'm so sorry, Nick. I...I didn't mean to offend you or say anything prejudiced.”

“It's okay,” Nick answered, giving Jeff a smile. “I know you didn't, and for the record I'm not gay, but I am against homophobia and discrimination in general. Besides, I happen to know that Dalton has a lot of gay people here and is pretty accepting overall. I just didn't want you to accidentally offend someone.”

“That's really cool of you,” Jeff answered, returning his attention to the items he was pulling out of the box. “Thanks.”

As they finished putting everything away the boys continued discussing music and filling each other in on basic information about their lives. Jeff seemed a lot more relaxed now, and Nick discovered that he actually had a good sense of humor. He also learned that Jeff had a much older half-sister, named Robyn who lived in Washington state and owned a restaurant, as well as a younger brother named John who was about to start middle school.

“So you hungry?” Nick asked as he broke apart the last box and added it to the towering stack by the door. “Looks like we need to find a dumpster, and I was thinking we could check out our new dining hall.”

“Sounds good,” Jeff agreed as he picked up his keys from the desk.

“Great, I've pretty much been thinking non-stop about masturbation for like the last hour!” Nick declared, struggling to keep a straight face as he watched Jeff for his reaction.

Jeff's mouth dropped open and the keys slipped from his hand, clinking onto the floor by his feet but going unnoticed as he blinked at Nick.

“Dude, you should see your face!” Nick exclaimed, as he burst into laughter. Jeff just stood there and stared at him like he had lost his mind, which only made it funnier to Nick. Eventually he was cackling so hard that he was gasping for breath and holding his stomach. “I know...I know what you're thinking,” Nick said between chuckles. “But it has a second meaning.”

“Um, what?” Jeff asked, a confused look on his face.

“Masturbation. It also means 'to chew.' So I was really just talking about eating, nothing sexual,” Nick explained, grinning and sitting down on the edge of his bed to catch his breath.

“Uh Nick,” Jeff said, a small smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

“Yeah?” Nick asked, still giggling at the joke he had pulled.

“I think you mean 'masti _ca_ tion.' Masturbation really does only have the one meaning,” Jeff explained, raising his hand to his mouth and giggling quietly behind it.

“Oh crap!” Nick declared in horror as all the amusement drained away from his face. He immediately tried to mentally count all the people he had shared this amusing gem of information with, wondering just how embarrassed he should be. Suddenly he remembered its original source and frowned. “I think my sister punked me!”

“Come on, Nick, let's go. Now you've got me thinking about masticating,” Jeff said as he picked up his keys and led Nick out of the room.

After they ate, Nick and Jeff returned to the room to gather up and dispose of their empty boxes. Then they spent a couple of hours exploring their new campus, and even met a few of their new schoolmates. When they got back to the room, they set to work figuring out what songs they would do for their Warbler auditions on Monday. With encouragement from Nick, Jeff decided to do “Whataya Want from Me" by Adam Lambert, while Nick himself chose “Wake Up Call” by Maroon 5.

After a couple of rounds each of practice, Nick stood up and stretched, then pulled out a change of clothes and his bag of toiletries. “Okay, I'm gonna go have shower.”

“K,” Jeff answered, his attention still focused on his computer.

A thought crossed Nick's mind. He remembered his anxiety earlier that day about privacy, and wondered if Jeff had similar concerns. Nick was determined to try to start things off on the right foot, and knew that it would be up to him to dispel any awkwardness.

“I'm probably gonna be in there at least fifteen or twenty minutes. You know, in case you get hungry.”

“Hungry?” Jeff asked, looking up in confusion.

“Yeah, in case you get hungry and feel like masticating,” Nick explained innocently with a wink. “You'll have plenty of time for a snack while I'm gone.”

Jeff gaped at him, surprise battling embarrassment for dominion over his face. “Uhh...”

“I don't need to know, man. I'm just sayin'...if you're hungry.” Nick shrugged and walked into their bathroom, not sniggering until after the door was closed.

Nick had enjoyed his first, unofficial day at Dalton, and he was already growing to really like Jeff. He was looking forward to getting to know his roommate better as the school year progressed.

 


	2. Getting To Know You

“Truth or dare, Nick?” Thad asked, sneering deviously. 

It was late October of his freshman year at Dalton, and Nick had already formed a close bond with his Warbler teammates. On most weekends he went home to visit either his mom or his dad, plus of course his sister Maggie. However, this Saturday had been an exception and he had stayed on campus, as had his roommate Jeff, so that they could go to the Warblers' Halloween party. 

Nick was having a great time, but he knew that he would have to tread carefully now. Thad was clearly eager to pay him back for earlier in the evening when Nick had made him admit that he'd had a wet dream in the last year. Everyone had had a good laugh at Thad's expense and it had gotten all the funnier when Thad's roommate, Wes, had exclaimed, 'so that's why you're always changing your sheets!' David had then interjected with, 'you need to just spank it before bed, man. Save yourself the laundry.' 

Nick felt only a little bit guilty about embarrassing his friend. The Warblers were a very tight group and Nick knew that nothing done or revealed during the game would travel any further. In fact that was one of the house rules for all their parties. Nevertheless, 'secret' or not, Nick wasn't looking forward to answering what would undoubtedly be a very probing and very personal question from Thad. Thus he made his choice with a reasonable degree of confidence.

“Dare!” Nick answered, grinning and looking at Thad challengingly.

“I was hoping you would pick that,” Thad answered darkly. “You have to make out with one of the other guys, and not me, for a full minute. Opened mouthed with tongues.”

Nick gaped at Thad in surprise for a few seconds before narrowing his eyes on him and resolving to get even with him for this. A few moments later he cursed Thad again when it occurred to him that the perfect way to exact his revenge would indeed have been to choose Thad to make out with. It wasn't fair that his teammate had thought of that and added in the 'not me' clause. 

“I really like this dare!” David declared, leering playfully at Nick and licking his lips. “I'm happy to do you a solid, Nick, if you want to pick me.”

The Warblers all laughed at their openly gay teammate's antics. Nick considered just going ahead and choosing David – at least that way someone would get to enjoy himself – but that notion filled Nick with anxiety. He had never kissed anyone before, and though he liked David he didn't know him that well and it would have felt really weird. Plus David was obviously more experienced. What if Nick wasn't a very good kisser? He would be even more embarrassed, and he could just imagine David playfully teasing him in front of the others after the kiss was over.

“Pucker up, Jeffy boy!” Nick exclaimed with forced confidence as he turned and gave his roommate a suggestive look. He figured he might as well put on a show and not let Thad get to him.

“Ohh, get a load of that, guys. 'Jeffy boy!' I don't think this is going to be their first time doing this,” David teased. The other guys soon joined in with catcalls and kissing noises. 

Nick watched as panic gripped the shy blond and all the color drained away from his face. Almost instantly Nick regretted his decision. It wasn't right for him to put Jeff on the spot like this. He knew Jeff liked to try to stay under the radar at social gatherings. He would have picked someone more outgoing if he had thought about it beforehand. Jeff had simply been the person he knew and liked the best.

“Well what are you waiting for, Nick? Plant it on him!” Thad goaded as he held up his phone, showcasing the fact that he had already set the timer function to one minute and was ready.

Nick sighed and stood up on his knees, facing Jeff. He reached out, gently placing his hand on the underside of Jeff's jaw and tilting his face toward him. He could feel Jeff's pulse throbbing frantically in his neck and he knew that the boy was terrified. He tried to give him a reassuring look before slowly easing his face forward. 

Jeff's eyes fluttered shut as Nick closed in on him. The final few inches of Nick's approach seemed to take three times as long as everything else, and Nick was left wondering if he really was moving so slowly or if it was just some perceived effect of his anxiety. As their lips at last connected, Nick was pleased to discover that he kind of liked the sensation. It was weird being so close to Jeff's face, but at least his mouth was soft. After a little while it occurred to Nick that he should probably close his eyes too.

“Tongue! Tongue!” Nick heard the other guys chanting, reminding Nick that he and Jeff were supposed to be full-on making out. He wasn't sure how long it had taken for their invocation to seep into his awareness, but he hoped that Thad had already started the timer. He probably hadn't. 

Nick slowly opened his mouth and hesitantly ran his tongue along Jeff's closed lips, silently asking for admittance. A moment later his request had been approved and he felt a twinge of surprise as Jeff's tongue brushed against his own for the first time. Nick giggled to himself inside his head. Of course Jeff had a tongue too; its presence shouldn't have been unexpected. It felt odd, strong yet pliant, and incredibly warm and wet. Soon Nick's curiosity won out and he fully inserted himself into his roommate's mouth, first probing the rougher roof of his mouth and then sliding over his teeth and back down along his smooth inner cheek. Nick found himself pleased with the taste of Jeff's mouth. It was fresh and mildly minty. Nick's mind flickered to the image of Jeff brushing his teeth before they had left for the party. Suddenly Nick felt worried. He had brushed too, but since then he had been snacking on chips and soda. What if his breath tasted bad?

Those worries, and most other coherent thoughts, soon left Nick's consciousness, however, as Jeff's tongue pressed firmly against his own while Jeff similarly began examining Nick's oral recesses. Within a few seconds things had heated up and their tongues were crashing against each other in a playful bid for dominance. Nick was surprised at how assertively Jeff was behaving and he felt the boy's hand tangle into the front of his shirt, pulling him closer. At some point Jeff had also risen to his knees, and as Nick complied with his request for greater proximity their chests and hips pressed together in a firm, very pleasant way.

Nick raised his free hand to the other side of Jeff's face, so that he was now holding him firmly in place with both hands. Then Nick pivoted his head slightly to the side, eager to try kissing Jeff from a new angle. To his delight the move seemed to catch Jeff off guard and elicited a small whimper from him as Nick's teeth grazed lightly over Jeff's bottom lip. By this point Nick's mouth was watering and he swallowed, realizing an instant later that the fluid had probably been a mixture of his own and Jeff's saliva. To his surprise the thought only turned him on more and he felt himself sucking harder at Jeff's tongue.

“Time's up,” Wes was saying as he tapped Nick's shoulder. “You guys can stop.”

“I don't think they can!” Nick heard David declare, getting laughs from the other guys. 

Reality finally set back in for Nick and he started to reluctantly pull away from Jeff. He was slightly amused when Jeff responded by leaning forward, trying to keep their mouths pressed together. He gently pushed back on Jeff's shoulders, hoping that no one else had noticed and that Jeff wouldn't be embarrassed.

“I guess we know who's going to be having a wet dream tonight,” Thad jeered, smirking at Nick.

Nick just rolled his eyes and flipped him off. 

The rest of the party passed uneventfully, but Nick was distressed by how quiet and withdrawn Jeff had been behaving since the kiss. He wouldn't look anyone in the eye and had reverted to his first-week-of-school behavior of merely shrugging, nodding, or shaking his head if he was asked a question. Nick had hoped that perhaps Jeff's reticence would be limited to just their other teammates. However, unfortunately as they walked back to their dorm room that night, and Nick essentially had a conversation with himself, he knew that wasn't the case. 

“Hey Jeff, can we talk?” Nick asked as soon as they had walked back into their room and closed the door. 

Jeff shrugged and mumbled something softly. Nick wasn't sure exactly what he had said but he caught the word 'tired' and deduced that Jeff was trying to make up an excuse.

“Just for a minute then,” Nick insisted, patting Jeff on the shoulder and sitting down next to him on Jeff's bed. He tried not to take it personally when Jeff automatically slid away from him and pressed himself against the wall. It would have been funny if it hadn't been so upsetting for Nick to watch.

“I'm really sorry I kissed you,” Nick stated as he began his apology.

“Y-you are?” Jeff asked, briefly looking at Nick with a sad, hurt expression before turning away again.

“Yeah, of course,” Nick answered, desperate to get rid of the pain he saw on his friend's face. “I never meant to pressure you into doing something you didn't want to do. You should have said no, but I know that would have been awkward for you too. I really messed up, man. I'm so sorry.”

“Okay,” Jeff said quietly without looking at Nick. 

Nick could tell that Jeff was struggling to keep his composure and he felt like the biggest jerk on the planet for doing this to his friend. He decided to take another tack and try letting Jeff know how important he was to him. “You know I picked you because you're my best friend right?”

“Really?” Jeff asked softly, the first hint of a smile playing on his lips despite the discomfort and sadness obviously still reigning.

“Absolutely man! I trust you the most and feel the most comfortable with you so you were the natural choice. But it was messed up of me to put my own comfort ahead of yours. I'm sorry I was being so selfish.”

“You weren't,” Jeff assured him, for the first time using his normal volume. “I-I understand. I'm sorry you had to kiss me at all.”

Nick laughed and clapped him on the shoulder. “Well the kiss itself wasn't so bad. You're a really good kisser, dude.”

“I am?” Jeff asked, clearly astonished by the remark and looking happy for the first time since the whole thing had happened.

Nick grinned and nodded as it finally dawned on him that at least part of Jeff's behavior had been due to feeling insecure about his performance. Nick felt stupid for not thinking to reassure him sooner. “Absolutely! To be completely honest I was kinda sorry when it ended. That was my first time kissing anyone.”

“Mine too,” Jeff confessed, relaxing his posture and turning to face Nick on the bed.

“Wow, I wouldn't have guessed that. You sure seemed like you knew what you were doing,” Nick responded, still smiling widely at Jeff and feeling a huge sense of relief that the blond was acting normally again. 

Nick was partly fibbing. Just based on his knowledge of Jeff's personal history he was pretty sure the boy had never had a girlfriend, and he certainly didn't seem like the kind of person who would randomly kiss someone. From that standpoint Nick wasn't surprised at all that it had been Jeff's first kiss. However, he was being truthful when he said that Jeff had done it like he knew what he was doing, and based on just the kiss itself, without taking anything else into consideration, Nick really wouldn't have guessed that it was Jeff's first time.

“You did too, it was really good!” Jeff answered enthusiastically before his eyes widened and he bit his bottom lip as though it had betrayed him.

“Thanks, Jeff. That makes me feel good,” Nick responded sincerely, hoping to quell any feelings of embarrassment on Jeff's part, and also genuinely delighted by the positive feedback. 

Nick stood up and stretched, ready for a shower and a good night's rest. Before moving away from Jeff's bed, he smirked at him and decided to add a joke, hoping to further lighten the mood. “You want a quick goodnight kiss before I hop in the shower?”

“Uh...” Jeff looked at him with confusion written all over his face.

“I'm just teasing, man,” Nick said, leaning down to clap his shoulder a couple more times.

\--000--

“Hey Maggie, what's 'ex-fol-i-ate,' and do I want it to happen to my face?” Nick asked once his sister had answered the phone. As soon as the term had presented itself to him he had immediately called her. He figured a question about words combined with a question about skin care couldn't get anymore up Maggie's alley. 

“Hi Nick,” she responded with a tone that clearly told him she was rolling her eyes. “Exfoliate means to scrub away the dead skin...so you tell me, do you want to walk around with deadface?”

“Hmm, does it work on breakouts or are zits still alive?”

“Having some complexion problems are we, oh brother mine?”

Nick furrowed his brow in confusion. He thought his sister hated talking about stuff like this. “Well if you must know, nope. All's clear and moving fine. I went right before I called you.”

“Nick, that is not what 'complexion' means,” Maggie answered, disgust lacing her voice.

“I know,” Nick answered shrugging on his end of the phone. “It's like the opposite, when everything's all blocked up, but I'm fine really. I just called to get your advice about face wash. I saw Jeff had this exfoliating stuff in his, and his skin always looks good, so I thought maybe I should get me some.”

“I should get myself some,” Maggie answered.

“Oh good, then it must work if you want it too,” Nick reasoned, glad that his decision had been reached. Then he thought about how sensitive girls often were about their appearances and decided to try to alleviate some of Maggie's concerns. “But don't worry, sis. You've got good skin.”

“Thank you, Nick, and yes, get some,” Maggie answered. She sounded exasperated for some reason. Nick found that completely confounding. After all, she was the one asking personal questions and whining about her skin.

“By the way, I think you should send me a picture of Jeff's face – just so that I can confirm his skin regimen is working properly you understand,” Maggie added in a clinical voice before Nick heard her muffling a series of giggles. 

“Maggie, quit perving on my roommate,” Nick snapped. He knew she had a crush on Jeff. The two had met a few times when Maggie had accompanied one of their parents to pick Nick up for the weekend. Whenever she saw Jeff she flirted shamelessly with him. Nick was uncertain whether he was more worried about his sassy little sister getting hurt or more concerned about what she might do to his shy best friend, but either way it was an idea he hated on multiple levels.

“Oh come on, Nickface. He's cute! What's the point in having an older brother if I can't ensnare a few of his friends?”

“I don't know what that means, but don't do it to Jeff. It sounds kinda painful.”

“Sometimes I wonder how we're even related.”

“I love you too, Margaret.”

 

\--000--

It was a cold evening in the middle of January when Nick's dad showed up unexpectedly to his Dalton dorm room. It had been an ordinary enough day up until then. Nick and Jeff had both already finished their homework and they were relaxing, playing a game on Nick's Xbox. 

“Damnit you suck, you stupid fucking giant shithead!” Jeff growled as the level boss defeated him. A moment later a blush crept up his cheeks and he turned to Nick with an innocent look on his face and mumbled, “Uh, I mean, 'darn, I died.'”

“You wanna play something else?” Nick asked, sniggering at how serious Jeff always got whenever he was trying to do anything, even something lighthearted like playing a video game.

“No way! I'm having fun!” Jeff answered, a glint in his eyes as he returned his attention to the screen. Nick knew that he really was enjoying himself too. Despite his roommate's occasional Turrets impersonation and general rage issues, Nick could tell from the casual way that Jeff was sprawled out across his bed and the relatively unguarded ways in which he was speaking and behaving that Jeff was truly and uncharacteristically relaxed and happy. It made Nick feel good to know his friend was at ease. He loved these types of nights, when they could both just be themselves and not stress about classes, or Warbler practice, or anything else.

“Fucking squash-faced, pistol fucking bastard shit sucker!...I mean 'oops.'”

Nick was laughing so hard at the colorful string of expletives, and the deadpan way in which Jeff had delivered them that he almost didn't hear the knock at their door. 

“You want me to get it?” Jeff asked, pausing the game and looking over at Nick.

“Nah, it's not polite to swear at visitors, Jeffy. I better get it,” Nick answered, still chuckling as he slid off his bed to answer the persistent knocking. He was mildly disappointed, but unsurprised, to notice Jeff sitting up, a tense posture already claiming its place across his shoulders.

“Dad!” Nick exclaimed, delighted by the man's unexpected presence. He threw his arms around him in greeting and then ushered him into the room. He found it only mildly unusual that his father had hugged him so tightly or lingered in the embrace for so long.

“Nick...” Ian said, speaking for the first time. 

And that was when Nick knew that something was wrong. His dad never sounded so unhappy, never looked so worried.

“Oh my god, what is it?” Nick asked, a feeling of dread already pooling in the pit of his stomach. From the corner of his eye, Nick saw Jeff looking up in alarm, and on the periphery on his awareness he realized that Jeff had probably never seen or heard him looking this way either. It was a night of unpleasant firsts.

“Sit down please,” Ian requested. To Nick's horror he realized that his dad's eyes were shining with tears, not yet spilled, but brimming precariously close to the edge of his eyelids.

Nick sunk down onto his bed, already feeling like he was on the verge of crying himself and frantic to know why.

“Your mom and Maggie were in an accident,” Ian said as he sat down next to Nick and put his arm around him.

Shock. Nick was shocked. That simply wasn't possible. It couldn't have been. A couple of minutes ago Nick had been playing a video game. His mom and sister had been fine then. They had to have been. There was no way Nick could have been doing something so mundane as killing time on his Xbox if his life had already come unglued in such a drastic and irrevocable way.

“Are they...?” Nick couldn't say it. It was wrong even thinking it. It hurt to breathe. He felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, replaced with tiny, razor-sharp ice crystals.

“There going to pull through,” Ian rushed to answer as he pulled Nick close. Nick let himself collapse against his dad, resting his head against the man's chest as he listened to the details. “But they don't know if your mom's going to walk again and Maggie hasn't woken up yet.”

“What happened?” Nick asked in a feeble voice as he tried to make sense of what he was being told. They were going to pull through. That felt like the most important thing to focus on, but he couldn't stop the deafening chorus of never walk again and hasn't woken up from pounding in his ears.

“They were going around a curve in the road. A car was stalled. There was nothing your mother could have done...after they crashed another car piled into the back of them.”

Nick felt himself giving up on trying to retain his composure. He clung to his dad, crying freely, and feeling more afraid than he could ever remember feeling. For the first time ever, Nick felt glad that his parents had divorced. What if his father had been in the car too? How could he have heard news like this from anyone else? How could he have borne the weight of this happening to a third person he loved? 

“It's going to be okay, buddy. I promise,” Ian said as he squeezed Nick close and kissed the top of his head. 

“Ya-you promise?” Nick asked between sobs, feeling a little bit better after hearing the vow. His dad had never broken a promise before.

“Yeah,” Ian whispered, gently pushing Nick back enough to look him in the eyes. As Nick had expected he saw tears there, but he also saw truth. His dad continued. “Your mom is already awake and alert. The only damage is to her legs. And Maggie's coma is medically induced.”

“Coma!” Nick shouted as another round of sobs hit. Oh God! Maggie is in a coma!

“No, buddy it's okay. It's for her own good, but they think she's going to be fine when she wakes up, and she will wake up,” Ian insisted as he pulled Nick in for another hug and rubbed his back. “We need to go to the hospital though.”

Nick nodded, but didn't move, just kept his eyes squeezed shut and his face buried against his dad's chest. He prayed that when he finally did reopen his eyes everything would be okay. His dad didn't rush him, but after a few minutes he stood up, gently pulling Nick to his feet with him. 

“Let's go,” Ian urged softly, squeezing the back of Nick's neck a few times as if to give him strength.

Nick gritted his teeth and opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was a blurry image of Jeff standing in the middle of the room looking as lost as Nick felt. He wore a panic-stricken expression. He was obviously desperate to help and clearly had no idea how. Nick moved away from his dad and took a few steps toward the upset blond. Jeff tentatively opened his arms and as soon as he did Nick lunged forward, collapsing into them, this time using Jeff's chest to cry into. 

“I'm sorry, buddy, but we really do need to go,” his dad reminded him, tapping his back as Jeff continued to embrace him.

Nick looked up at Jeff's face and saw the fear and depth of concern that he was experiencing. Something about that made Nick feel better. It hurt knowing that his mom and sister were in such bad shape, but he felt a little bit better knowing that he still had two people right there in the room with him that cared as much as Jeff and his dad. He felt like with them by his side he could face this. But he would need them both. 

“Will you come?” Nick pleaded as he looked into Jeff's sad, brown eyes. He watched as they briefly glanced past him to his dad, apparently in consultation, but almost immediately they were regarding him with a soft intensity again.

“Of course,” Jeff answered as he pulled Nick in for another hug and took his hand as the embrace ended.

Nick responded by squeezing his friend's fingers in gratitude and then seeking out his dad's palm with his free hand, and though Nick felt all of about six years old as the other two led him out of the room and to the parking lot, he didn't care. All that mattered was going to see about Maggie and his mom, and Nick would take all the comfort and support Jeff and his dad had to offer.

\--000--

“And then I said to Jacob...'don't worry, Jake. Someday I'll have a baby you can creep on, and then everything will magically be okay between us, your pack, and all the vampires.'”

Nick snickered as irritation strained his sister's face in response to his version of the story. 

“I must have had an even worse concussion than they thought. I don't remember that part at all.”

“Oh yep, it's right here. Right above the part where Alice tells Bella that girls who make their brothers read lame vampire love stories to them are the evilest of all creatures.”

“You better behave, Nickface, or I'll tell Jeff exactly how you reacted when you saw the first Twilight movie,” Maggie warned, a mischievous grin lighting up her bruised face. 

Nick sighed and turned to his friend who was sitting in the corner of the room, watching their conversation with obvious amusement. 

“Jeff, I cried at the end of the first movie,” Nick stated matter-of-factly. Jeff had seen him cry quite a bit over the past few days, so it didn't feel like a particularly monumental revelation, and indeed Jeff only breathed out a small laugh and nodded in response.

Nick turned his attention back to Maggie, a smug look on his face. “There, threat neutralized. Jeff's watched plenty of movies with me. He knows I get choked up easy. What else ya got, sis?”

In the past Nick had usually tried to hide his reaction to emotional scenes in movies, but he suspected that Jeff had probably still noticed anyway. So his statement to Maggie was still technically true. Mostly though he just didn't want Maggie to know how affected he had been by the accident. It was better to let her think that Jeff had simply seen him crying during movies than that Jeff had held him while he cried because he was terrified that he might lose her or their mom.

“Oh you're no fun, Nickface,” Maggie pouted, crossing her arms. “But come on, keep reading. It gives me a headache if I read for too long,” Maggie reminded him, clearly trying to play on his sympathy.

“You've read this book like a million times,” Nick pointed out. He hadn't minded reading to her yesterday or most of the morning. He had been happy to do it actually, but now his throat was tired and he was bored with all these wimpy, sparkling vampires that his sister was totally fangirling over. 

“Nope, only five times,” Maggie corrected.

“We're done,” Nick declared, snapping the book shut and rising to his feet.

“Well maybe Jeff'll read to me,” Maggie said innocently, shooting Jeff a pleading look. 

Nick watched as his best friend's resolve quickly wavered and he gave a small shrug before crossing the room to take the now-unoccupied seat by the bed. Nick resisted the urge to laugh out loud. For once he wasn't irritated by Maggie's flirtations with his blond friend. That didn't mean he wasn't going to give her a hard time though.

“Careful man, she wants to give you snails,” Nick whispered ominously into his ear. He knew that wasn't the word Maggie had used, but 'snails' was funnier than whatever she had said. 

“Jeff, whatever he told you, it isn't true,” Maggie insisted, glaring at Nick.

“I didn't see how it possibly could have been,” Jeff answered, smirking at Nick.

“Hey I warned you, dude,” Nick answered, grinning at Jeff and then at his sister. He felt another wave of relief about how normally his sister was acting today. Except for the fact that they were hanging out in a hospital room and that she had some mild visible injuries, everything felt like it was back to normal.

Nick frowned slightly a few moments later as he thought about his mom's condition. She had needed emergency surgery to save her legs and she still had another round of surgery scheduled before they even began her physical therapy. Things wouldn't be getting back to normal for her anytime soon.

“I'm gonna go check on mom,” Nick said, anxiety marring his previously cheerful countenance.

“Okay,” Maggie said quietly, also growing more somber.

“You want me to come?” Jeff offered, already standing and giving Nick the strong, supportive look which had practically become his default expression over the past few days.

“Nah man, I wouldn't want to tear you away from your book,” Nick answered, winking at his friend.

 

\--000--

There was something really wonderful about knowing something. About having all the pieces come together and realizing once and for all the way that something truly worked. Of discovering that what had seemed like the whole picture had really just been a small section of it. A tiny piece that fit together in the context of something much bigger and more complex. At least that was the way Nick had felt when he realized Jeff was gay. 

It was the first week of April and by now there had been a hundred little moments that had gradually led Nick to his big epiphany. Perhaps it had been all the times that it felt like Jeff was holding something back, hiding the answer to a question Nick hadn't even thought to ask yet. Maybe it had been the vague, persistent sense that Jeff was always scared about something. That he was never completely relaxed, and that he always had at least some of his guards up. 

Whatever the case, it had finally dawned on Nick that afternoon at lunch. He and Jeff had been sitting with the rest of the Warblers and, as it often did, the conversation had turned to sex. Several of the older guys started sharing their experiences, talking about the girls they had been with, and the various sexual experiences they'd had. Nick and the rest of the underclassman had listened eagerly, occasionally asking questions or saying what they would have done. After a little while, never one to be outdone, David had started discussing some of his own, gay, sexual experiences. Most of the guys had groaned or rolled their eyes, but Nick and a few of the other guys were curious enough about how stuff worked between two guys to keep from tuning him out. That was when Nick had noticed the way that Jeff was suddenly listening with rapt attention. It was in sharp contrast to the way he had been acting during the conversation about straight sex, which he had given only his cursory attention, participating, as he often did, just enough not to stand out. And just like that Nick had known; everything had finally come together.

There was no real surprise about it per se. Certainly no disappointment, or anger that Jeff hadn't confided in him. It was just a perfect moment of knowing. It felt like something to celebrate. Certainly it was gratifying to Nick to know this extra level of information about his best friend. He also hoped that it could remove the last of the distance between them, that once everything was out in the open he could know the real Jeff, free of insecurities and fear. 

Nick hated emotional distance. It just didn't fit with the way he had been brought up. He understood that it was a natural part of most relationships, that he couldn't share everything completely with all of his classmates and the other people in his life. However, Jeff was different. Jeff was his best friend, and it felt like he was supposed to be able to share everything with him. Nick was practically bouncing up and down in gleeful anticipation as he walked into his dorm room that afternoon, intent on revealing his new-found knowledge to Jeff.

“Hey Jeff, I need to talk to you about something,” Nick said as soon as he had stepped into the room and shut the door. Jeff's final class of the day was closer to their dormitory than Nick's so he was already sitting at his desk working on his homework. 

“Sure what's up?” Jeff asked casually as he looked up from his algebra, giving Nick his full attention. That was one of the things Nick liked best about Jeff: he really paid attention to people when they talked to him. He never just went through the motions or pretended to be listening.

In Nick's head he imagined just declaring, You're gay! and throwing his arms around the other guy. He resisted the urge because he knew that would make Jeff incredibly uncomfortable and probably scare the hell out of him. Instead Nick decided to preface his topic a bit. 

“You know I'm okay with gay people right?” Nick asked as he pulled the chair out from his own desk and moved it close to Jeff.

An uncomfortable look immediately gripped Jeff's face, but he nodded.

“Well anyway, I was just thinking that I'd want my friends to tell me if they were gay. Because you know, that's like a really big thing to keep to yourself, and that's gotta be really tough. So I'd hope that guys I was friends with, especially close friends with, would feel comfortable telling me. I mean, I'd keep it a secret and stuff until they were ready to come out, but at least then they wouldn't have to worry about pretending to be something they're not when they're around me.”

Jeff was tapping his pencil nervously against his binder, a habit that Nick had observed in him shortly after they had started sharing the room. He knew that in that moment Jeff wanted to be anywhere but at his desk having this conversation. It was probably only an ingrained sense of social conduct that kept him from getting up and bolting out of the room.

Nick slowly reached out and placed his hand over Jeff's, stilling the pencil, and causing Jeff to look up at him with scared eyes.

“Jeff, are you gay?” Nick asked. 

“Wh-why do you think that!?” Jeff asked, his voice breaking over the word 'think.'

Nick hopped off the chair and wrapped his arms around Jeff, deciding that now was as good a time as any to give him that hug. Besides, it was too upsetting seeing him look that frightened and not trying to comfort him.

“Don't worry, Jeffy,” Nick assured him just above a whisper, using a nickname he rarely used, but had easily chosen for this occasion based on the affection it implied. “It's not like obvious or anything, and – wow, we've been living together all this time and I'm just now noticing. I can just tell 'cause we spend so much time together.”

“I didn't say I was,” Jeff insisted stiffly.

“But you are right?” Nick prompted, still holding him.

“I-I don't know,” Jeff whispered back, shrugging and finally relaxing into Nick's embrace. 

“You wanna make out again and see if that helps you figure it out?” Nick offered with a playful lilt. 

“Are you serious?” Jeff demanded, pulling away in his seat and giving Nick an utterly confused look.

“Well I was kinda joking to lighten the mood, but yeah it's a real offer. I'm a little bi-curious and I had fun the last time we did it,” Nick answered.

“How are you so calm about this?” Jeff demanded, a flurry of conflicting emotions playing themselves out across his face.

Nick thought about his answer carefully before responding. When he did answer he made sure to look Jeff in the eye.

“You're my best friend, Jeff. It's not scary at all. I completely trust you. And also it's way past time that I said this to you directly, but I love you, like a lot. I shoulda said it months ago.”

Jeff stood up and pulled Nick against his body, hugging him tightly. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Please let me know what you thought!


	3. If I Had You

**Can't Fight These Feelings**

**A/N: Here's the next chapter. Just a quick word about the time line, this chapter begins in the summer between Nick and Jeff's freshman and sophomore years at Dalton.**

 

**Chapter 3 – If I Had You**

“John, tell Nick about that game you played against Riverbrook,” Mark Sterling instructed his younger son, his voice dripping with paternal pride.

Nick resisted the urge to sigh in exasperation. Instead he politely turned his attention to the excited boy in the backseat, resigning himself to listening to yet another story about the kid's middle school football adventures. It was early June and Jeff had invited Nick to join his family for their vacation to Florida's beaches. The Sterlings went every year around this time to take advantage of a condominium timeshare they were involved in near Panama City. Nick appreciated having been asked along on this summer respite with his best friend, but after three very long hours in the minivan listening to Mark Sterling and his younger son monopolize the conversation, Nick was more than ready for them to reach their destination.

The oldest and youngest Sterling males seemed to have their routine down to a fine art. Jeff's father would talk nonstop about anything and everything that popped into his head. Then when he finally needed to stop long enough to catch his breath, he passed the conversational torch to John who would then happily ramble about the monotonies of his own life ad nauseam. Nick didn't doubt that Jeff's father and brother would have been running their mouths regardless of his presence, but it seemed that as an outsider Nick had by default become their primary audience. That meant that though Jeff and his mother had the relative luxury of tuning them out, Nick was expected to interject appropriate exclamations and questions.

“So anyway then Doug fumbled – see I told ya he would be a joke as a running back – but I grabbed the ball before the other guys could get it,” John finished smugly.

“Way to go, John!” Nick exclaimed with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

John was in every way unlike Jeff. While Jeff had inherited their father's lighter locks, John had gotten their mother's darker tresses. Jeff was tall and lean while his brother was short and solid for his age. Jeff was shy; John was brash. One of Jeff's most endearing traits was his thoughtful, considerate nature. His brother on the other hand struck Nick as exceptionally self-involved. The nearly perfect set of opposite traits left Nick wondering whether the brothers had anything in common besides their parents.

“Can you believe what quick reflexes he has?!” Mark shouted abruptly. The outcry seemed to startle Jeff's mother, but after she determined that the man wasn't actually speaking to her, she returned her attention to the magazine she was reading.

“Yeah that's really something,” Nick answered dutifully as he stole a glance at Jeff who was sitting in the seat next to him. Jeff looked unhappy about something.

“He's certainly much more coordinated than his brother,” Mark added snidely a moment later, as if clarifying the reason for Jeff's glumness. Apparently Jeff had anticipated this direction in the conversation. Nick was struck by the contrasting ways in which Mr. Sterling was treating his two sons. It wasn't just a matter of passing the conversation to John – which based on everything that Nick had learned about the man was certainly quite a sacrifice for him– it was the way he kept building John up while making occasional backhanded remarks about Jeff.

As John launched into yet another story about his football team, Nick took the opportunity to tap out a quick text message to Jeff.

Nick: So I think the great philharmonic question is, if a tree falls n the woods and no ones around 2 hear it...does ur dad still brag that John coulda knocked it down faster?

Nick watched as Jeff opened the text message. He was delighted a moment later when the blond barked out a sharp laugh and turned to grin at him.

“You think it's funny that someone intercepted a pass meant for your brother, Jeff?” Mark demanded, glaring at Jeff in the rear view mirror.

“No, of course not,” Jeff answered right away, a solemn look invading his face.

“No what?” Mark prompted, still frowning at Jeff in the mirror.

“N-no sir,” Jeff corrected himself, a deep blush forming across his cheeks.

“That's better. Now, John, why don't you continue? Pay attention, Nick, this is where it gets really good.”

Nick frowned. He felt guilty for getting Jeff into trouble and he was furious at Mr. Sterling for being such a jerk. He wasn't sure what to do though. His parents had always emphasized that it was important to be polite and respectful to adults and he also worried that if he said anything he might embarrass Jeff or make the situation worse.

“Isn't that amazing?” Mr. Sterling declared, tilting the mirror farther back so that he could beam at his younger son.

“Bombastic,” Nick answered woodenly, trying to use a fancy compliment to hide his utter lack of interest. He wasn't even slightly curious about whatever it was he had just given his praise to.

“It sure is! You're bombastic, John. Just like your old man!” Mr. Sterling declared exuberantly before returning his attention to Nick. “I'm just so proud of him. Only in 6th grade and he's already starting over some of the older kids.”

“Yeah, that's great,” Nick agreed, forcing himself to mind his manners. He then made the decision to try to shine a little of the limelight on his friend. “Jeff's like that too. He's always beating out more experienced singers to get solos and stuff. He's really talented!”

Jeff turned and gave Nick a sincere smile of appreciation, but despite his happier expression Nick didn't miss the sadness and hurt in his dark eyes. His face then shifted to one of grim expectation and a moment later when his father started speaking he gritted his teeth and gave Nick an apologetic look.

“Oh that singing crap.” Mr. Sterling snorted. “It's all he's any good at, and I don't care what anyone says, it's weird for a bunch of guys to stand around singing to each other.”

“It's really queer,” John interjected, contorting his face in disgust.

Mr. Sterling laughed like John had just made the funniest remark of the century. “See, that's what I love about the kid. He tells it like it is. That's right, John, it's weird and queer.”

Nick couldn't stand it anymore. He opened his mouth to tell the other two just what he thought of their opinions, but before he could, Jeff kicked his foot and shot him a pleading look. Nick let out a small sigh and forced himself to continue holding his tongue. The last thing he wanted to do was make things even worse for his friend. However, he couldn't just let it drop completely, so he decided to make another attempt at framing Jeff in a more positive light.

“Actually that definitely isn't all Jeff's good at. He's a straight A student. He usually kicks my butt in video games. He's a great swimmer. He-”

“None of that is worth anything,” Mr. Sterling interrupted, waving his hand dismissively. “You think he's going to make a living playing _video games_? Or maybe he's going to earn his first million doing the backstroke?”

“More like the _breast_ stroke. He's such a girl!” John taunted.

“Good one, John,” the man chuckled from the front seat. Nick felt the vibrations a moment later as John kicked the back of his brother's seat. Nick spun around and gave the boy an angry glare, at last losing his patience with him completely. Mr. Sterling was already continuing his rant.

“Hell, even his grades don't matter. I was a C student at best – crap half the guys I work with were. But look at us now! We're doing great, and all those eggheads we went to school with are probably still sitting around trying to figure out the hypotenuse of a circle or something.”

“I doubt they're doing that,” Nick remarked dryly, amused that for once someone other than himself had used a word incorrectly. Nick was excellent at math and would have wagered his knowledge of geometric terms against even Maggie's.

“Don't get smart with me, son. All I'm saying is that book smarts aren't what a man needs to get ahead in the real world. It's people skills, drive, dedication. That hunger and spit to make it to the top. John's got buckets of spit and I know he'll do great when he grows up, but most days I think Jeff's going to dry up before he even leaves the starting line.”

“I think Jeff-” Nick started, only to be immediately cut off.

“Don't tell me about my own son!” Mark roared, glaring at Nick in the mirror. “I have half a mind to make him quit that fairy-ass singing group and forbid him from playing those ridiculous video games. He needs to grow some balls and get out there on the field. Go head-to-head against the other guys. Earn the respect of his teammates, hell earn my respect.”

Nick's mouth fell open and he immediately reached across the seat to grab Jeff's hand, desperate to give him some kind of comfort after that barrage of hurtful words. However, before Nick could even make contact, Jeff pulled his fingers away lightning fast and regarded him with a look of terror.

“He's probably gonna start crying now,” John sneered as he leaned forward in his seat and flicked Jeff's ear. Nick was disturbed by the impulse he felt to haul off and belt the kid in the face. He tried to remind himself that John was just a stupid little boy.

Mark Sterling chuckled. “Well he knows if he starts crying that he can just get out and hitchhike to Florida – or wherever the hell he wants to go for that matter. I'm not having a crybaby for a son.”

Nick was still openly gaping at what he was hearing. He shot a worried look at Jeff and was relieved to see that Jeff looked completely stone-faced and unemotional. Nick didn't understand how his friend was holding himself together. He himself wanted to cry just on Jeff's behalf, and it was in large part due only to shock that he was able to keep himself composed. Nick heard an exasperated sigh and glanced over at Jeff's mother. She was frowning, but obviously unwilling to do anything to stop her husband's and younger son's cruel behavior. Nick picked up his phone, frantic for a way help Jeff.

Nick: OMG! Ther nuts! I lov u. plz b ok!

To Nick's horror when Jeff read the text,  _that_ was what caused him to let out a small, strangled sob.

“Are you crying, Jeff? Was your brother right? Do we have a crybaby on our hands?” Mr. Sterling jeered, clicking his tongue and obviously thoroughly amused by the situation.

“That was me,” Nick said right away, suspecting that Jeff wouldn't have been able to speak without breaking down, and desperate to cover for him.

“Are you a crybaby, Nick?” Mark taunted, tilting the mirror so that he could look at him.

“Yes,” Nick answered challengingly. He didn't care if Jeff's father did kick him out of the car. He would just call his dad to come and get him. His only concern was leaving Jeff alone with these people. He started wondering if there was any way he could get Jeff out of the vehicle too.

Mr. Sterling chortled. “Are you a candy-assed queer? Is that why you're friends with this boy, Jeff? Are you faggots together?”

“No dad, of course not,” Jeff responded in a calm, steely voice. The unexpected strength present in Jeff's tone surprised Nick just as much as all the other proceedings had. He saw Jeff glance at him with a strange look on his face. It took Nick a little while to put it together but then he realized it was a protective look. Jeff was protecting him. “That's disgusting and I know Nick thinks so too. Faggots should burn in hell.”

“That's right!” Mark Sterling declared, raising his arm and finger to emphasize the point.

“Yeah!” John enthused from the backseat, quickly jumping on the bandwagon.

“They certainly are disturbed and should be kept away from normal people,” Jeff's mother added, casually looking up from her magazine.

“Oh Susan, don't be so wishy-washy. They should fry,” Mr. Sterling insisted.

Nick felt Jeff nudge his foot and he knew what he was supposed to do, but it just felt so wrong. He felt like  _he_ would go to hell for saying something like that. He knew that it was the only way to end the whole horrible conversation though, so at last he sighed and added a halfhearted, “Yeah gross.”

The small affirmation seemed enough to placate Jeff's father and to Nick's relief John soon settled into reliving another tale from the gridiron.

They arrived at the condo late in the evening and after dropping off their luggage they went out to eat. Nick was almost as silent as Jeff and Mrs. Sterling during the meal. By this point all he could think about was getting away from Jeff's awful family. It was heartbreaking for him to realize that Jeff had actually grown up with these people. He promised himself that from then on every time there was a break at Dalton he would invite Jeff to spend it with him and his family. He didn't know if his friend would be able to accept the offer, but he prayed that he could.

“I wanna go down to the beach for a night swim!” John declared on the way back to the condo.

“Sounds good to me,” Mr. Sterling agreed. “We can swing by, grab our suits, and get out there.”

“Is it okay if I hang back?” Nick interjected as politely as he could. “I'm kinda tired.”

“Well we wouldn't want you to overexert yourself, would we, princess?” Mr. Sterling remarked sarcastically.

“Good one, dad!” John shouted as he kicked the back of Nick's seat. Nick had noticed that after announcing that he was a 'crybaby' earlier on the way down, Jeff's father and brother had begun treating him with the same contempt that they had been using for Jeff. Oddly, Nick found this easier to deal with. He was sort of pleased that they didn't like him anymore, almost as though their continued approval would have been a mark of shame.

“I'll stay too and keep him company,” Jeff stated. Nick had been hoping that Jeff would say something to that effect. He was amazed at the subtle changes in his friend. Ever since 'the incident' Jeff had actually been speaking _more_ forcefully to his father, especially where Nick was concerned.

“Oh of course,” Mr. Sterling answered, making a limp-wristed gesture. Jeff's father and brother had been making jokes like that about Nick and Jeff all afternoon, but Nick could tell that fortunately they were just joking and trying to be mean and didn't seem to believe the comments to be true.

After dropping off Nick and Jeff, the other three Sterlings went about their business to the beach. They were staying in a three-bedroom, two-bath condo and Nick was pleased to learn that he and Jeff would be sharing a room. Jeff's parents had their own bedroom and bathroom on the other side of the condo, and Nick and Jeff would be sharing the second bathroom with Jeff's brother, who had his own room. The bathroom connected the two bedrooms, but could be locked from either side. As soon they got into the room the first thing Nick did was lock their side and resolve to do so every time they entered or left the bathroom. He suspected that John would make a pest of himself otherwise.

“I'm sorry, Nick,” Jeff said softly, the volume of his voice having reverted to its quiet, shy level.

Nick looked at his friend incredulously, but before responding he went to their bedroom door and locked that as well. He wanted to ensure that they weren't disturbed. Then he wordlessly crossed the room and pulled Jeff into a tight hug.

“Don't you dare apologize for them,” Nick ordered fiercely. He pulled Jeff down onto one of the beds, keeping his arms wrapped firmly around him as he did so. Once they were resting on the soft surface, he loosened his grip enough so that they could shift into more comfortable positions, but he never completely let go of him. After they had both settled down on their sides, Nick's front against Jeff's back, Nick tangled their legs together and then pulled a very surprised and rigid Jeff backward against his chest. Next he wrapped his left arm around Jeff's torso, squeezing him gently and rubbing back and forth in a soothing pattern with his thumb. Meanwhile he slid his right arm under Jeff's head, and clasped the palm of his hand over the back of Jeff's, entwining their fingers. The final step in setting up his snug embrace was to lean his forehead against the back of Jeff's soft, blond head.

“Uh...w-what are you doing, Nick?” Jeff asked after a few moments, obviously nervous about these new developments. Though hugs were by now a common part of their friendship, they had never actually cuddled on a bed before.

“Sshh, it's okay. Just let it all out, Jeffy. I've got you,” Nick instructed, emphasizing his point with another little squeeze. Nick could only guess at how Jeff was feeling, but for him his feelings of worry and anguish over the way Jeff had been treated all day had reached a critical level. He couldn't stand to see Jeff on the receiving end of even one more cruel remark or unkind gesture. He _had_ to hold Jeff, had to reassure him that he was loved and cared for. 

“Let what out?” Jeff asked, sounding genuinely confused, but tentatively squeezing Nick's fingers and making no move to get up.

“The tears, man.” Nick answered, affectionately running his whole hand back and forth over Jeff's lean chest. “Don't hold it back. I've gotcha now. It's gonna be okay.”

“I'm fine, really,” Jeff insisted. “I'm used to all that. I'm just sorry you were there...uh, I mean I'm really glad you're here...but I'm so sorry I invited you. It was really stupid and selfish.”

“What are you talking about?” Nick asked, relieved to feel Jeff finally relaxing into the embrace. He could feel the tension melting off of him as he snuggled back.

“Well I just wanted you to come because...well because you're my best friend of course, but also I...I thought...” Jeff turned his head against the pillow and mumbled the rest.

“What did you think?” Nick prompted patiently.

“That they wouldn't be as bad with you around,” Jeff answered, raising his head. “I swear, Nick, I never would have put you through this if I had known they would still act like that. I've never had a friend before.”

“What?!”

“I-I uh didn't say that quite right. I mean I've had friends before at school and stuff...but I've never invited anyone over before.”

“Well from now on you're spending all your off school time with me at my mom's or dad's,” Nick said, announcing his decision and praying that Jeff would go along with it.

“You don't have to do that,” Jeff said right away, stiffening slightly.

“The hell I don't!” Nick declared an angry expression forming on his face as he remembered the way Jeff's father and brother had treated him. “I'm honestly wondering if my parents can adopt you or something.”

“Oh come on!” Jeff said laughing and using his free hand to pat the arm Nick still had wrapped around his chest.

“I mean it,” Nick countered, seriously. “My parents and Maggie already love you, man. If there's any way it can happen from like a legajistic standpoint, I think we should do it.”

“Nick, that's ridiculous,” Jeff insisted as he let go of Nick's hand and slowly turned around in Nick's arms so that they were face to face. He seemed startled at first by just how close together their faces were, but Nick gave him a soft look and pulled him even closer as he began stroking his back. Jeff sighed and started to shyly trace patterns over Nick's side, a slight tension present in the set of his jaw, as though he expected Nick to snap at him or pull away. Nick playfully bumped their noses together instead.

“Can I talk to my parents about this?” Nick whispered. He watched as Jeff's brown eyes widened in panic.

“NO!” Jeff declared, clearly terrified by the idea. A little while later he relaxed enough to continue. “Look, I know they aren't nice people, and I know they don't really like me very much, but my family really isn't _that_ bad. My dad never actually hits me or anything.”

“It doesn't matter,” Nick protested. “The way he treats you is so not okay. That stuff he said...God, that had to hurt so much. I'd bawl my eyes out if my dad said anything like that to me.”

“Yeah, but your dad loves you,” Jeff said quietly, looking away from Nick before he continued. “So of course his opinion matters to you, but I don't care what my dad thinks about me anymore...he's never loved me. I've never not disappointed him.”

“Oh Jeffy!” Nick exclaimed, feeling himself starting to tear up. He gently grabbed Jeff's chin and tilted his face back up toward him so that they were eye-to-eye again. “You are so fricken amazing and awesome! Your dad's a fucking idiot for not cherishing you.”

“Thanks Nicky,” Jeff answered, smiling and using a new nickname for the first time. “Your opinion matters way more to me than my dad's or brother's anyway. So I'm just glad you think that.”

Nick smiled and, acting on impulse, kissed Jeff's cheek. The sudden gesture of affection clearly took Jeff by surprise and he turned a deep shade of red. A few months prior when Nick had learned that Jeff was confused about his sexuality he had offered to make out with him, but Jeff had never taken him up on the offer. However, about a week later he had nervously confirmed that he was indeed gay. Nick was happy that his friend had figured things out, and especially pleased that he felt comfortable enough to revisit the delicate topic and confide in Nick about it later; however, he was mildly disappointed that Jeff had never seemed interested in making out with him again. The one time they had done it during 'Truth or Dare,' Nick had enjoyed himself, and even though he was pretty sure that he was entirely straight, he wouldn't have minded experimenting a little bit with his best friend.

“You know what does hurt though?” Jeff asked quietly, snapping Nick out of his thoughts.

“What's that?”

“My mom...She's not like my dad or John. She's always nice to me. She does all the usual mom stuff, like taking care of me when I'm home, and calling and sending me stuff when I'm not. She asks me about classes and even the Warblers, and I think she actually cares about what's going on in my life.”

Nick let out a small sigh of relief, feeling quite a bit better hearing Jeff say that. However, he hadn't forgotten that this part of the conversation had begun with 'what hurts,' so he waited tensely for the other shoe to drop.

“But she never makes John leave me alone...I know I'm older but still.” Nick nodded his agreement. John was one of the most obnoxious kids he had ever met, and he knew it would have been tough for his soft-spoken friend to put him in his place. “She never tries to make my dad leave me alone when he starts tearing into me either. And I know that she's just a quiet person, and it wouldn't be like her to really say anything...and I guess I should just stand up for myself more, but I feel like she secretly agrees with them. That she's disappointed in me too and thinks I ought to toughen up...and you heard her earlier about the-the...well you know....”

Nick frowned slightly. It bothered him that Jeff could use gay slurs without batting an eye, but he couldn't even reference his sexuality in a neutral way without freezing up.

“The gay thing?” Nick asked. When Jeff nodded he continued. “It's really not anything to be ashamed of, Jeff.”

“But that's the thing. It is to her. She'll never accept it. I'm worried if she ever finds out, that it'll be the final straw and she'll never want anything to do with me again.”

Nick wanted to insist that he was wrong, that mothers didn't do that kind of thing, but he could still barely wrap his head around the concept of a father treating his son the way Mr. Sterling treated Jeff. He wanted to say it could never happen with Jeff's mother too, but he just didn't know.

“I hope that never happens. I hope when she realizes that her own son is gay that she comes to her senses and gets her priorities right. But either way I can promise you that you're gonna be okay.”

“How can you promise that?” Jeff asked, not seeming to necessarily doubt Nick, but coming off as honestly curious.

“Because I'm here for you, Jeff, and I always will be no matter what. I swear.”

Nick kissed Jeff's bang-covered forehead and pressed himself completely against Jeff's body, so that they were touching from chest to toe. Then he just smiled at Jeff and watched as a look of contentment formed across his face and eventually his eyes fluttered shut and his breathing evened out. Nick watched Jeff sleep for a little while, surprised by the depth of his own feelings for him. He realized that the way he loved Jeff was different from the way he loved his family and other friends. There was more of an urgency about it. It was somehow more consuming, more passionate. Nick didn't ponder it long, however, before he too drifted off to sleep.

**\--000--**

“Oh my god, that new guy is so hot!” Jeff exclaimed as they walked into their dorm room after the first Warblers' practice of their sophomore year.

“Blaine or Trent?” Nick inquired, pleased that Jeff felt confident enough to talk to him about guys. On a few occasions in the past Jeff had made casual comments, but this was certainly the first time he seemed so enthusiastic. Nick grinned at him. He was thrilled that Jeff seemed to have accepted his sexuality enough to be actively enjoying it and checking out guys.

“Blaine,” Jeff answered, rolling his eyes as though it were obvious, as he set his book bag down on his bed and took off his uniform jacket.

Nick shrugged. Blaine and Trent were both cute enough, each in his own way as far as Nick was concerned, but then again he knew he wasn't exactly qualified to make a definitive ruling. He would just have to take Jeff's word for it that of the two, Blaine was the looker. He was glad that Jeff had said Blaine though because he knew something that would be of interest.

“You should ask him out,” Nick stated, beginning to remove his own blazer and tie.

“You think he might be gay?” Jeff asked.

“Yep!” Nick beamed at his friend as he sank down on his bed. “He's in my English class. Mr. Blanchard asked him to introduce himself and then asked him why he had transferred to Dalton. Turns out it was because he got jumped and beat up at his old school after a Sadie Hawkins dance.”

“Crap that's awful!”

“I know, right?!” Nick agreed frowning, but then continued with a brighter expression. “Anyway after class I like went up to him to welcome him to Dalton and reassure him nothing like that would happen here.”

“Because you're awesome that way,” Jeff interjected, smiling fondly at Nick.

“Thanks,” Nick answered, accepting the compliment and smiling back. “Anyway we got to talking and he told me that it was actually a case of gay bashing. So yep, he's gay.”

Jeff seemed excited for a little while, but then his face fell and he looked unhappy. “He'd never be interested in someone like me though.”

“Of course he would!” Nick insisted right away, getting up and crossing the room to plunk down next to Jeff on his bed.

“Seriously, Nick, he wouldn't. He's like insanely hot and I'm just geeky and awkward.”

“You are not. You're adorable, Jeffy.”

“You're just saying that...besides you're straight. You don't know what gay guys like.”

“Well anyone with eyes can see that you're hot, man. Honestly, sometimes _I_ check you out and I'm not even into dudes. You're gorgeous. I bet you could model or be an actor or something.”

“That's really nice of you to say but-”

“Jeff,” Nick said in a warning tone that conveyed his irritation with Jeff for talking down about himself.

“No, really. Besides, I'm not out yet, and I'm not ready to come out. So it's not like there's much I can do anyway.”

“You could be secret boyfriends,” Nick suggested.

“That would probably annoy him if he's already confident enough to tell you his orientation after one conversation. He's not going to want to waste his time on some shy, closeted nerd.”

Nick frowned but wasn't sure what else to say. Eventually he just draped an arm over Jeff's shoulders and leaned against him. “Well his loss then, because you're amazing.”

**\--000--**

“Nick, we're going to be late, come on,” Jeff pleaded. Nick watched in amusement as Jeff not only picked up his own bag, but also Nick's and went to stand by the door.

“Just a second. I need to finish reading this email,” Nick fibbed, making up the excuse as he eyed the clock and realized they weren't quite late enough yet.

“Can't you read it when we get back? Or from your phone while we walk?” Jeff asked, irritation lacing his voice.

“Okay, let me just change my shirt,” Nick said, quickly shucking off his blazer and already beginning to unbutton the garment in question.

“Are you serious?!” Jeff declared. Nick had trouble keeping a straight face. This was just about the most annoyed Jeff had ever been with him. “You were already in uniform.”

“I know, but I've been sweating all day in this one. You don't want me to go to practice smelling bad do you?” Nick demanded, 'fumbling' with the buttons on his sleeve cuff. After a few seconds Jeff huffed and crossed the room, slapping Nick's fingers away and undoing them himself.

“You smelled fine,” Jeff asserted as he nevertheless pulled the shirt off of Nick's body and hurried to his closet to get another one.

“Thanks, Jeffy. But you're probably just used to my stank from rooming with me,” Nick joked as Jeff threw a fresh shirt at him.

“Yeah that's probably it,” Jeff agreed, smirking.

“Hey! You were supposed to insist that I smell like a field of wildflowers or something!” Nick pouted, using the opportunity to whine as another delay.

“You smell like wildflowers. Now put on your shirt,” Jeff ordered, grabbing Nick's arm and guiding it into the sleeve.

“Jeez, you sure are eager to get me dressed again. A guy could take that personally...you think I need to hit the gym more?”

“Oh my god, NICK! I don't want Blaine and the other guys to yell at us.”

“When has Blaine _ever_ yelled at us?” Nick pointed out.

“Well I don't want him to be disappointed. Besides it's just disrespectful to the other guys to be late.”

“Oh darn, missed a button. Better start over.”

“NICK! It's just one at the bottom. Shove your shirt into your pants. You'll be fine.”

After insisting on re-buttoning his shirt, then 'misplacing' his tie, then 'accidentally' making the knot come loose, then complaining that his blazer was wrinkled, Nick finally let Jeff drag him out of their dorm room. He almost felt guilty by the time they entered the hallway that led to the Warbler common room, Jeff storming ahead of him, refusing to speak or slow down. He knew Jeff really was upset and he wished he could have come up with a stalling tactic that wouldn't have frustrated him so much. He watched as Jeff flung open the doors and entered the room.

“They're gone!” Jeff exclaimed, disbelief and accusation warring for control of his face as he whirled around and glared at Nick. “We were late and they must have canceled practice and left! Oh god, they're going to kick us out. They're going to-”

“SURPRISE!!”

Nick couldn't help but chuckle as Jeff jumped about a foot in the air and then spun around, clutching his chest and gaping with wide eyes as all the other Warblers tumbled out of various hiding places. An instant later someone released a 'Happy Birthday Jeff!' banner and confetti rained down from the ceiling. Soon Jeff was swallowed up in a mass of excited Warblers giving him hugs and expressing their birthday wishes.

Nick waited patiently until everyone else was done then enveloped the beaming blond in a tight embrace of his own. “Happy sweet sixteen, Jeffy.”

“Nick has a little something else prepared for you,” Blaine announced before passing Nick the microphone and nodding at Thad to start the music.

Nick swayed and bounced as the beat for Adam Lambert's “If I Had You” filled the room. When the music started he did his best to emulate the dance moves that went along with the song as he sang it to Jeff. Judging by the deep blush, but irrepressible smile that pushed its way onto his roommate's face, Nick knew that he was enjoying it and also getting a kick out of the overly-theatrical moves that Nick was improvising. The other Warblers all sang backup and fell into step behind Nick.

When the song was over Nick and several of the other guys gave Jeff more hugs and then Wes wheeled out a cart with a birthday cake on it and Blaine directed Jeff's attention to a table stacked with presents near the back of the room. Nick wasn't sure if Jeff was grinning more or if he himself was simply from watching him. Jeff's brown eyes were sparkling with excitement and he seemed ready to burst at the seams. Nick didn't think he had ever seen Jeff look happier.

“I'm very impressed, Nick,” Kurt stated as he grabbed Nick's arm and led him off to the side while the rest of the guys continued chattering at Jeff, and competing for his attention. Kurt continued. “The song, the dancing, all the planning for this party. It must have been really tough to get it to all come together so flawlessly, but you pulled it off. You did a wonderful thing for him and you should be very proud of yourself.”

“Thanks Kurt! It means a lot to hear you say that,” Nick answered with a smile. He was thoroughly pleased by the newest Warbler's praise. Kurt had only recently transferred to Dalton due to a problem with bullying that he had experienced at his old school. Nick hadn't had the chance to get to know him very well yet, but he knew that Kurt himself was very talented and thoughtful, so it meant all the more that he respected Nick's performance and recognized his efforts to make Jeff's birthday special. “I'm truly flatulent.”

“Um...What?” Kurt questioned, a disgusted look crossing his face.

“I mean it. I'm really flatulent,” Nick repeated, nodding sincerely and eager to convey just how flattered he was by Kurt's kind words.

“Well then maybe you should excuse yourself for a little while,” Kurt remarked, taking a step back.

“Nah, wouldn't want to miss the party,” Nick answered, confused by Kurt's suggestion, but brushing it off.

“Have you told him how you feel yet?” Kurt inquired, keeping his distance, but giving Nick a serious look. “Not about the flatulence of course, but about _him._ ”

“What do you mean?” Nick asked curiously.

Kurt rolled his eyes and sighed with frustration. “You do know what song you just sang to him right?”

“Sure, 'If I Had You,'” Nick answered nodding and finally realizing what Kurt was talking about. “Ohh, I see why you're confused. No, I just sang that to him because he really likes Adam Lambert and it's his favorite song right now.”

“You certainly seemed to mean it,” Kurt answered.

“I meant it, but not romantically. Me and Jeff are really close, but we're just best friends,” Nick responded. Then he thought of a way to further clarify his feelings. “You know, like you and Blaine are good friends.”

“Yeah, I'm sure that's a great way to describe it,” Kurt answered cryptically before shaking his head and walking with Nick to the back of the room where Jeff was about to start opening his gifts.

**\--000--**

**End Note:** **Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. I sort of feel bad about the way I wrote Jeff's parents and brother. I've never written such a truly awful family for one of my characters before. I usually like to give my characters either positive families, or complicated, conflicted families...but Jeff's kinda just sucks.**

**On a different note, I didn't want to rush into the emotional or physical side of Nick and Jeff's relationship too quickly, but I think things will start heating up next chapter.**

 


	4. And So The Feeling Grows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the chapter starts Nick and Jeff are in their sophomore year at Dalton. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this new chapter.

**Chapter 4 – And So The Feeling Grows**

 

It was mid-March and Nick and Jeff, along with Maggie, were spending the weekend at Nick's dad's house. Nick's dad's girlfriend, Cathy Hayes, was also visiting for the day. His dad had been dating Cathy for almost a year, and though Nick had met her several times he hadn't gotten to know her very well yet. That was because typically Nick's dad didn't have her over on the same weekends that he had Nick and Maggie. However, though her presence today was unexpected, Nick wasn't bothered by it. He liked Cathy well enough and he had simply assumed his dad felt like spending time with everyone at once; he could respect that. Besides it had been a really fun day.

After an early lunch they had all gone to the zoo for a few hours. Nick knew that as a teenager he was probably supposed to think that it was lame going to the zoo with his dad and sister, but in fact he had thoroughly enjoyed himself. In addition to all the fun he had looking at the animals, it was also hysterical watching Jeff and Maggie interact.

Jeff had given Nick permission to tell his family that he was gay since Nick had assured him that they would be supportive and that it wouldn't get back to Dalton. Nick also suspected that it suited Jeff for Maggie to know so that she would quit hitting on him. Now that she knew his sexuality, she had indeed stopped flirting with him and was instead determined to make him her 'gay best friend' as she called it. Nick had objected at first on the grounds that Jeff was _his_ best friend, but Jeff had surprised and amused them both by insisting that there was enough of him to go around. Besides, Maggie had assured Nick that he wouldn't be missing out because she and Jeff would be doing things that he wasn't interested in. Then as if to prove her point, she and Jeff had spent the afternoon talking about boys and books. Nick had to admit that after a few cursory comments he was out of his depth and that it was just as well that they had each other to talk to about such topics.

Instead, Nick had gotten the chance to spend extra time with his dad, and also to get to know Cathy better. So far he had learned that she was only a couple of years younger than his dad, worked as an insurance agent, and had a knack for listening. At first Nick had merely assumed that she was being polite to him, or was just curious because she didn't know him that well. However, over the course of the day Nick noticed how attentive and engaged she was whenever she talked to his dad, Maggie, or Jeff. By the time they had returned home in the early evening, Nick had decided that he liked Cathy and that she was good for his dad.

“Before you guys get settled in, I'd like to have a little family meeting,” Ian Duval announced as the group walked into the house.

“Oh uh, I'll just go upstairs,” Jeff said as a blush colored his cheeks and he dropped his gaze to the floor.

“No way, man! You're family too,” Nick said with a grin as he grabbed Jeff's wrist, stopping him, and then throwing an arm around his shoulders. “Right dad?”

“Yeah, of course,” Ian agreed right away. He gave Jeff a warm smile before he turned and led them all into the living room. Nick was thrilled with his dad's response. Nick had honored Jeff's request not to talk in detail about his family life, but Nick had nevertheless told both his dad and his mom that Jeff wasn't close with his parents. He figured that since they also knew that Jeff was gay they could form their own conclusions, and indeed ever since then both Nick's parents had been going out of their way to include Jeff and make him feel welcome.

“What's going on, dad?” Maggie asked as she sank down next to Nick on the couch. Jeff took the seat on Nick's other side, while Nick's dad sat in a chair facing the teenagers with Cathy perched next to him on the chair's arm.

“Cathy and I have some pretty exciting news,” Ian answered.

“Am I going to be a big sister?” Maggie inquired with exaggerated seriousness. Nick sniggered at the remark, but shot her a look and nodded back toward their dad, encouraging her to pay attention.

“Maybe some day,” Ian answered with a shrug and a little chuckle of his own. “We're getting married.”

Nick felt his blood run cold and his stomach tighten as the words hit him. His dad was already looking between him and Maggie with an expectant look on his face and Nick knew that he had to say or do something, but all he could manage was a weak smile at his dad.

Nick glanced over at Maggie to see how she was taking the announcement. She looked like Nick felt. Her mouth was open slightly, her eyes wide, and her posture rigid. Just as it occurred to him to put his arm around her in support he felt Jeff's arm wrapping around him instead.

Nick hadn't realized just how much he needed Jeff's comfort until that very moment. He promptly collapsed against Jeff's side, and started taking deep breaths. Soon his blood also felt like it was warming up and his stomach began to relax.

“Congratulations, Mr. Duval, Ms. Hayes,” Jeff said, his voice that same brand of quiet enthusiasm that Nick had only ever seen in Jeff and no one else. Without removing his left arm from around Nick's body, Jeff leaned forward and extended his right hand to Nick's dad and then to Cathy.

Seeing Jeff make that gesture helped Nick realize that he needed to pull himself together and do something similar before he hurt his dad's feelings. It would have been absurd to Nick to shake his dad's hand as Jeff had done, so instead he stood up and wrapped his arms tightly around the man. He wanted to say congratulations, he really did, but he couldn't get the words out. “I love you, dad,” he whispered instead.

“I love you too, buddy,” Ian answered, squeezing him and then patting his back.

Nick didn't know what to do when he pulled away from his dad and looked at Cathy. He didn't want to hug her, but a handshake would have felt weird too, and he still found it impossible to form any coherent words of congratulations. Yet she was looking at him with a nervous, slightly vulnerable look, and he did like her so he gave her a small smile and patted her arm as a compromise.

When Nick turned around he was relieved to see that Jeff had slid over on the coach and was comforting Maggie. Unfortunately what Nick was displeased to see was that she had gone from shocked to outright upset.

“Maggie?” Nick said quietly as he touched her shoulder.

When Maggie looked up at him, Nick could see that her eyes were watering and her lip was quivering. “I-I can't,” She choked out before getting up and running out of the room.

Nick started to follow her, but his dad grabbed his shoulder and gave it a little squeeze. “I'll go talk to her.”

Nick wasn't sure what else to do so he gave Cathy another awkward smile and then turned and gazed at Jeff, silently imploring him to help.

“Nick, we need to go study for that math test we have coming up Monday,” Jeff stated, providing Nick with the gracious excuse he needed to leave the room.

“Right, yeah,” Nick said nodding and only barely managing to resist the urge to sigh in relief. He glanced at Cathy again to take his leave of her and when he did it struck him for the first time that she was actually going to be his step-mother soon. “'Scuse me, Cathy. I better go.”

She nodded stiffly and looked to be on the verge of tears herself. Nick knew that Maggie's reaction, plus his own lackluster response, had to have been hard for her, but he couldn't find the strength within himself to try to reassure her. He gave Jeff another meaningful look and inclined his head slightly toward Cathy, silently begging him to say something else.

Jeff didn't seem to understand at first, but then he nodded and spoke. “This really is such great news! Congratulations again!” he declared enthusiastically, this time dispelling his previous quiet reserve. Nick was relieved to see a genuine smile settle across Cathy's face in response.

Nick and Jeff went up the stairs to Nick's room. As they passed Maggie's door, Nick heard voices and knew that his sister and dad were talking, but he walked by, not wanting to eavesdrop. Once inside his own room he collapsed on his bed, feeling confused and emotionally overwhelmed.

Jeff closed the bedroom door and then made his way over to Nick's bed and sat down next to him, placing a comforting hand on his arm. “I'm sorry, Nick,” he said softly.

“Why are you sorry though?” Nick asked, still trying to make sense of his own feelings. “This is good news, right?”

Jeff didn't speak right away, but when he did he spoke carefully and in a soothing voice. “I'm sorry because it hurt you and Maggie. And yeah, honestly I do think it is good news, but I know it's tough to hear.”

“But it shouldn't be,” Nick whined, frowning and still trying to figure out why he was so upset. “I want my dad to have someone and Cathy seems nice...why am I so unhappy? Why is Maggie so unhappy? I seriously don't understand...I just know it hurts for some reason.”

Jeff looked at him for a few moments and then slowly lay down on the bed next to Nick. Then he opened his arms and gave Nick a questioning look. Nick responded with a small smile and gladly accepted the offer, snuggling into Jeff's arms and resting his head against Jeff's chest.

“I think you do know why it hurts, Nick...go ahead and say it. It's okay,” Jeff wrapped his arms around Nick, one hand stroking the back of his head and the other rubbing soothingly over his shoulder and back.

Nick chewed on his lower lip and thought about what he was feeling again. It didn't make sense but it all came down to one thing.

“How could he do that to my mom?” Nick demanded, feeling a wave of anger crash over him.

“I don't know,” Jeff answered gently, squeezing Nick closer.

“I know it's stupid...I mean they're divorced, but it still feels like he's cheating on her or something,” Nick stated, a mad scowl weighing on his lips.

“It's not stupid to feel that way. It makes a lot of sense, and I think it's okay to be angry right now.”

Nick was silent for several minutes, the side of his face pressed against Jeff's chest, and one hand resting on the tall blond's lean stomach. The more he thought about what Jeff had said the more he realized that he really was angry, angry but also sad. He felt tears starting to form in the corners of his eyes and before he even realized what was happening a small sob escaped his lips. He buried his face against Jeff's chest again and let himself cry.

“Do you want me to go get your dad?” Jeff offered, still holding Nick close.

Nick shook his head vigorously and raised his face enough to look up at Jeff's warm, concerned eyes. “Can I ask you something, Jeff?”

“Of course.”

“You think my dad woulda rathered just met Cathy to begin with and never even been with my mom?”

“No way,” Jeff answered immediately. “If your dad hadn't been with your mom he would have never had you and Maggie, and I'm pretty sure he loves you guys more than anything.”

Nick smiled and sighed softly; Jeff had practically read his mind. He had been worried that on some level maybe his dad did feel like his whole original family was a waste of time, but hearing Jeff say it like that made him realize just how silly that notion was. Of course his dad didn't regret him and Maggie.

“You know Jeff,” Nick said as he let himself relax completely and fully enjoy the comfort Jeff was providing him. “I want Maggie to be happy and have a friend like you too, but just so you know, you're _my_ gay best friend, and don't you dare forget it.”

“I love you too, Nick,” Jeff answered with a soft chuckle. To Nick's surprise he felt Jeff press a light kiss against the top of his head a moment later. Nick resisted the urge to kiss Jeff's chest in response, thinking it would be silly.

“Can we take a nap?” Nick asked, feeling utterly drained emotionally and realizing that the only two things in the world that seemed appealing just then were sleeping and snuggling with Jeff.

“Sure,” Jeff answered as he grabbed the far side of Nick's bedspread and threw it over them, making a little cocoon and saving them the trouble of having to squirm and wiggle to get under the covers normally.

“You're the best, Jeffy,” Nick murmured, rubbing his friend's chest and shifting over just enough so that Jeff wouldn't have to support his weight the entire time they slept. He nuzzled his head into the crook of Jeff's neck and felt Jeff's hand taking his own and lacing their fingers together under the covers.

Nick's eyes drooped shut. He felt so good with Jeff holding him like this. He felt safe...and warm...and happy...and hard. Nick cracked one eye open at the realization. He was indeed hard, rock hard. It wasn't a horny, need-to-cum-right-away kind of hard; it felt more like a relaxed, natural sort of response. Nick decided it was probably some variant of morning wood, maybe 'pre-nap timber' or something. He knew that if Jeff noticed or felt it he wouldn't say anything, and Nick realized that, as odd as it might have been, he didn't feel even slightly uncomfortable or embarrassed about the possibility of Jeff detecting it. So Nick just re-closed his eye and shimmied in closer against Jeff. Moments later Nick had slipped into a peaceful, contented sleep.

**\--000--**

 

Nick had had a very bad day. He had woken up that morning to discover that all of his uniform shirts were dirty. Thus forcing him to wear a wrinkled, already-worn button down that he found on the floor of his closet. To make matters worse, since Nick hated waking up early he always slept until the last possible minute. As a result by the time he got the unexpected wardrobe situation resolved he was late for his first class.

Things only went downhill from there. He failed a pop quiz in World History, forgot about a biology assignment that was due in second period, spilled ketchup and mustard all over his tie and blazer at lunch, got written up for his sloppy uniform in English, and then concluded the day by tripping and falling on his butt during a dance routine at Warbler practice. He was physically unharmed, but he knew he wouldn't be living down the blunder anytime soon.

By the time his day was over all he had wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide, but instead Maggie had called him and spent nearly an hour complaining about Cathy and how awful it was that their dad was getting remarried to her. Maggie didn't share Nick's mostly positive perception of their step-mom-to-be, and she seemed to be set on hating her in the purest step-daughter/step-mother tradition. Stress also tended to make Maggie snarky and excessively pedantic. As a result, by the time he had finally hung up with her, Nick had resorted to using a six-year-old's vocabulary and forming one-word sentences just to ensure that he wouldn't be corrected or teased any further for his mistakes.

So as the end of his abysmal day concluded it was safe to say that Nick felt completely and absolutely...wonderful.

He sighed contentedly and snuggled further back against Jeff. They were lying on Jeff's bed watching Nick's favorite movie, _Transformers_ , and despite the action on screen Nick felt nothing but relaxed. The boys would often lay together on a single bed while watching movies so that they could orient the screen completely in one direction rather than each of them trying to look at it sideways. Over the past few weeks these movie nights had been turning into cuddle sessions more and more often and tonight Nick was resting comfortably in Jeff's arms, his stress forgotten as he felt Jeff's chest slowly swell and contract against his back.

Jeff's arm was draped over Nick's torso, his hand casually resting on the blanket in front of Nick. Nick hadn't realized what he was doing, but when the romantic scene between Sam and Mikaela began to happen on screen, Nick found himself grabbing Jeff's hand and lacing their fingers together. Nick felt Jeff tense up and the steady cadence of his breathing paused entirely. That was when it dawned on Nick what he had done and how the action was probably being interpreted. Cuddle buddies or not, Nick knew that friends didn't usually join hands as soon as characters in a movie had a tender moment.

Nick wanted to let go. In fact he felt an urge to jump off the bed completely, but he was worried that doing either of those things would only draw more attention to the situation and make things more uncomfortable. Instead he gave in to a different, conflicting urge and as casually as possible, pulled Jeff's hand up against his chest, leaving it covered with his own. As he did so he pretended to be mesmerized by the movie, though in fact the actors could have suddenly begun speaking in Shakespearean verse for all he would have noticed.

Nick forced himself to keep his breathing even and calm, not wanting to give any indication that he thought what was happening was out of the ordinary. He considered it for a little while. It wasn't all that strange. After all he and Jeff had held hands lots of times, especially when they were cuddling or comforting each other. The specific timing in this instance might have been a bit odd, but actually now that it had happened, now that it was _still_ happening, Nick had to admit it felt right.

As he watched Sam and Mikaela's moment end on screen, Nick reflected on his new realization, on the fact that holding Jeff's hand and snuggling against him did feel so good and so right. As he relaxed and inhaled more deeply, he caught a whiff of Jeff's familiar, pleasant scent; that was good and right too, soothing. Then Nick thought about what a lousy day he'd had, and how Jeff was there for him. He thought about how the way Jeff was holding him made everything feel okay, how it caused all of his problems to seem unimportant.

“Holy crap!” Nick blurted out as his stomach somersaulted and he considered for the first time the possibility that he might have romantic feelings for Jeff.

“Wha-what is it?” Jeff asked in a tight, nervous voice as his body stiffened around Nick again.

“Oh uh...did you see that special effect? Wow!” Nick covered as he nodded toward the screen. He was dismayed to see that it was a particularly uneventful part of the movie.

“You mean with Optimus Prime talking?” Jeff guessed, sounding confused.

“Yeah, that was really something!” Nick answered, as though the routine voice-over had been the coolest part of the entire movie.

To Nick's relief he felt Jeff shrug and relax against him again, still in no apparent hurry to pull his hand free. Nick glanced down at their entangled fingers, and grinned involuntarily. He _really_ didn't want to let go of Jeff's hand.

Nick's contentment was short-lived, however, when moments later he continued pondering his unprecedented discovery and what it all meant. Soon he felt like he was going to have an aneurysm as he kept trying to wrap his head around everything.

“Nick, it's okay. The Autobots are gonna win. Don't worry,” Jeff said soothingly a little while later as he rubbed Nick's chest with their still-joined hands.

Nick was confused for a moment until he realized that his struggle hadn't been completely mental after all. His heart was now pounding and the slow, deep breaths he had been forcing himself to take minutes earlier had accelerated into quick, shallow pants. Fortunately this time his behavior did correspond to a major fight scene. Nick couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the way Jeff was trying to reassure him even though as far as he knew Nick was just panicking about a movie they had watched together at least half a dozen times.

“Thanks Jeffy,” Nick answered fondly, legitimately feeling better as he let himself relax in his roommate's arms. Jeff must have thought he was crazy given the situation, but his only response had been a gesture of support. Nick's last thought on the topic, before forcing himself to shut off his brain and just enjoy the movie and the closeness with his best friend, was that if he did have feelings for Jeff he would accept them. He knew it would have been hypocritical to fight them or freak out about them: there was nothing wrong with liking another guy in that way, and besides this was _Jeff_. 

**\--000--**

 

“Okay, I'm done,” Jeff announced, putting down his Xbox controller and standing up to stretch. “I need to go meet Kurt to work on our World History project.”

Nick's eyes shot to Jeff's midsection as he stretched and the fabric of his t-shirt rode up just enough to show a hint of his flat stomach. _Nothing._ A moment later Jeff turned around and bent over his bed to gather up his books and pack his bag. Nick eyed his narrow hips and the swell of his ass. _Still nothing._

“Hug time!” Nick declared, putting down his own controller and jumping to his feet. Jeff smiled and chuckled, as he cheerfully crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Nick, leaning his head against Nick's as they embraced. Nick's chest tightened and he felt that addictive, now-familiar cocktail of happiness, anxiety, and _arousal._ There was a definite twinge of physical want as he held Jeff.

“Uh Nick, I kinda need to get going,” Jeff said awkwardly a little while later. At least Nick hoped it was only a little while later. In truth he had no idea how long he had been standing there hugging Jeff.

“Right, yes. You have that assignation with Kurt you have to do. Got it,” Nick answered, well aware of just how ridiculous he sounded and inwardly groaning.

Jeff snickered and pulled away enough to look at Nick, a smirk on his face. “Please don't tell people, especially Blaine, that I have an assignation with Kurt. That could cause all kinds of problems.”

“Really?” Nick asked, only slightly paying attention as he stared into Jeff's expressive brown eyes, his palms still pressing against Jeff's lower back from the embrace that hadn't quite ended.

“Yeah really. It usually implies a...uh sexual liaison,” Jeff answered, blushing slightly and making no move to lower his own arms from Nick's body.

“Oh I don't think Kurt has any sexual liaisons,” Nick responded, clearing his head and shrugging.

Jeff laughed. “Well he might. He and Blaine are together now, so you never know.”

“I guess you're right. He just doesn't seem like someone to wear that typa thing. I bet he's just a briefs kinda guy.” Nick giggled and grinned at Jeff. “But I guess maybe he might wear some liaisons if they were having a romantic night or something.”

Jeff let go of Nick completely and a loud peal of laughter escaped his mouth before he silenced it with his hand. He shook his head and smiled at Nick, still trembling slightly with laughter. “You're amazing, Nick!”

“ _You're_ amazing, Jeff,” Nick responded, feeling a warm, light feeling as he continued looking at the happy blond.

“You want to watch a movie when I get back?” Jeff asked, picking up his bag.

“Yeah definitely!” Nick responded right away, already excited about the fact that the movie would almost certainly guarantee more cuddling.

“Great, you pick it out and get everything ready,” Jeff requested, giving Nick another dazzling smile as he finally moved away and headed for the door.

Just before he was out of reach, Nick's hand shot out and he grabbed Jeff's fingers. _Sparks._

“Yeah?” Jeff asked, turning back around, a look of confusion on his face.

Nick inwardly cursed as he realized that he needed to provide a reason for why he had just taken Jeff's hand, a reason other than wanting to feel that little surge of energy that accompanied the action.

“Uh, good luck with your project,” Nick answered lamely as he gave Jeff's palm a little squeeze and then released it. Nick's whole hand felt warm and tingly, and his stomach flipped when Jeff gave him the full force of one more wide smile before laughing pleasantly and walking out of the room.

Nick sighed happily and took a deep breath. Whatever he was feeling for Jeff it was powerful, very powerful. The problem was, Nick had no idea what exactly it was. Ever since the night that they had watched _Transformers_ , Nick had been noticing more and more little things about Jeff. Like how good it always felt to touch him. Like how much he liked looking into Jeff's eyes when he and Jeff were talking. Like the way his emotions seemed so perfectly synced with the blond's. When Jeff was happy; Nick was happy. When Jeff was sad or stressed out; Nick felt sad and stressed out on his behalf. Sometimes it felt like all that mattered was being as close to Jeff as possible.

Nick had never been in love with anyone before, but he realized that this pretty much  _had_ to be what it felt like. There was no way this was still just a regular friendship for Nick. This was completely unlike any other friendship Nick had ever had. Nick wasn't sure exactly when it had happened, only when he had realized it, but he was certain that he was indeed in love with Jeff, and also that it was the most awesome thing that had ever happened to him. 

Nick wasn't especially worried about the ramifications of being in love with another guy, because Jeff wasn't just some guy, he was  _Jeff_ , and loving Jeff felt completely right and normal. Besides, Nick knew that his family was all completely open-minded about such things, and he had pretty much gone out of his way to surround himself with accepting, open-minded friends so that wasn't a concern either. 

No, there was really just one problem in all of this, but unfortunately it did seem like a fairly major one: Nick was pretty sure that he wasn't gay or even bi. Nick's brain knew that he was in love with Jeff, but Nick's body still seemed frustratingly unaware.

Nick decided to try again. He double checked the lock on their dorm-room door, then stripped off his pants and underwear. Then he spread out on his bed, hands folded behind his head to keep from 'cheating,' and closed his eyes. Perhaps if he tried fantasying about Jeff again his body would clue into the fact that this was the person he was in love with and give him the physical reaction that he needed. He searched his mind for a suitable image.

_Okay, Jeff in just that pair of snug, black boxer-briefs. He looks incredible in those. They're almost like liaisons. Think about that dark fabric contrasting perfectly against his lightly-tanned skin. Picture him standing there, almost naked. Think about his long, slim body. His chest, the pert little brown nubs of his nipples, the slight bulge of his pecs. His hard stomach, and the way his abs are just visible at rest, but the way they tighten and flex when he laughs. Think about that thin swirl of hair around his bellybutton and the way it drops down into those black briefs. Picture the outline of his package. Think about the sag at the front where his balls are weighing it down. Imagine cupping his balls and rubbing your fingers across his chest and stomach. Now think about his long, sexy legs. Focus on his tan thighs as they descend from his briefs, the way the thin blond hairs are just visible against his skin. Think about the muscular swell of his calves, and the way his legs gracefully flow into his ankles and then his feet._

Nick opened his eyes and glared at his limp dick. _Nothing._ He grunted in frustration, angry at the way his body was reacting, or rather _wasn't_ reacting. He decided to try thinking about Jeff from behind instead. Maybe he was more of an ass kind of guy.

_Okay, follow Jeff's legs back up, but this time from behind. Think about the rounded slope of the back of his calves, the delicate skin on the backs of his knees. Now think about the harder, thicker muscles that make up the backs of his thighs, the way that strong muscle leads upward and forms his ass. Focus on his ass. Think about how the fabric of those boxer-briefs stretches over each hard globe and how you can just make out the separation. Look a little bit higher at the way his back muscles slope down and form the tantalizing upper cleft of his ass. Imagine squeezing that ass. Imagine grinding against it while you grip his narrow waist. Feel his body in your arms as you hands travel up to his broad shoulders and lightly-muscled back. Now think about his arms. Imagine running your fingers along them. Feel the rounded bones of his shoulders, let your fingers dip down to his biceps. Trail lower over his skin, feel the hardness and strength in his forearms. Think about how it feels to lace your fingers together with his._

As Nick had expected he didn't feel anything from his fantasy until the thought of holding Jeff's hands caused the first surge of interest to pulse in his still-limp equipment. He sighed, but knew what he needed to do.

_Okay, imagine his face. Think about the way his light bangs hang down just over his dark blond eyebrows. Think about the way they arc perfectly over his bright, expressive brown eyes. The way his eyes sparkle with flecks of orange and gold when he's excited or happy. The way his nose perfectly accentuates his angular face. Think about the soft line of his mouth that spreads so breathtakingly into that killer smile of his. The way his whole face lights up and the skin at the edge of lips and the corners of his eyes kinda crinkles. Think about the way it felt kissing him that time, your lips together – your tongues together! The way it felt connecting with him like that, breathing the same air he had just breathed, fingers running through each other's hair. Tenderly rubbing. Affectionately clinging. Erotically clawing._

Nick glanced down and realized that he was now rock hard, the head of his cock pressing against his lower abdomen and practically twitching to be played with. Nick couldn't figure out what was going on. Why hadn't the mental images of Jeff's almost naked body done anything for him? Why had it taken thoughts of Jeff's face and hands, and the way it felt to kiss him and hold him, to get him going? Nick didn't know, but he was too turned on now to care.

He squirted some lotion into his palm and began jerking himself off, thinking about Jeff's fingers tangled together with his own, thinking about Jeff's smiling, happy face looking down at him. Finally he thought about Jeff's lips pressed against his, Jeff's tongue slipping inside his mouth...Nick gasped and fired a thick, creamy load all over his chest and stomach, soaking the shirt he hadn't bothered to remove.

Nick sighed contentedly and peeled off the garment, using it to clean up. Despite the intensity of his release and the flood of endorphins that followed, he was still completely confused about his feelings for Jeff. It felt like what Nick had always assumed being in love would feel like: it was perfect emotionally. There was no denying the fact that Jeff definitely gave him a giant 'emotional boner.' It just didn't make sense that Nick's body wasn't behaving the way it should have to non-emotional stuff. Physically, Jeff's body didn't make Nick react at all like a girl's body would have. Without the emotional context, Jeff's body didn't really seem to do anything for him sexually. He could tell that Jeff was very good looking, but try as he might he couldn't turn Jeff into any kind of a sex object. Of course Nick knew that the emotional connection was probably more important than physically objectifying Jeff anyway, but it still didn't quite feel the way it should have felt. He had always thought that when he fell in love with someone, that the person's physical being would be just as important and attractive in its own right.

Nick frowned and decided to take a shower. He wanted to be fresh and clean for when they cuddled and watched that movie later. If he hurried he would have time to go down to the little convenience shop at the end of the quad and pick up Jeff's favorite candy. He knew that would make Jeff smile, and maybe even earn him some extra snuggles.

**\--000--**

 

“You look fine,” Nick assured Jeff as he came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. They were about to leave for a graduation party, which was being held in the Warbler common room, and it was clear to Nick that Jeff was on the verge of a small panic attack. He had already changed his shirt three times and he kept styling and restyling his hair. Grooming and fashion aside he also couldn't seem to stand still.

“M-maybe you s-should go without me,” Jeff stammered, first turning to look at Nick but then dropping his eyes to the floor.

“Jeff-”

“N-no really. Go. I...I'm not feeling well,” Jeff insisted as he started to unbutton his most recent shirt selection.

Nick gently grabbed his fingers, stopping him and succeeding in drawing eye contact.

“We don't have to go if you don't want to – seriously I'm fine with staying here if that's what you'd rather do – but I'm not going without you.”

“You have to go,” Jeff insisted shaking his head and lightly squeezing Nick's fingers. It may have been because he was protesting what Nick had said that most of the strength had returned to his voice, but Nick couldn't help but hope that just maybe some of Jeff's renewed confidence had to do with the fact that he was holding Nick's hand. Jeff continued making his point. “Thad, David, and Wes are all graduating. You have to go see them one last time. Plus he says he hasn't decided for sure yet, but we all know Blaine is most likely going to be transferring to McKinley to be with Kurt next year. I don't want you to miss saying goodbye to everyone because of me.”

“Dude, after tonight I'm not going to be seeing _you_ for like a month. No offense to the other guys, but that's a much bigger deal to me. We're hanging together tonight, Jeffy – no matter what,” Nick insisted, letting go of Jeff's hand but draping an arm around his neck and leaning against him as they stared at their reflections in the full length mirror on the back of Jeff's closet door.

On the outside Nick was grinning at Jeff in the mirror, determined to see a smile on the blond's face. On the inside, however, Nick felt close to freaking out too, not because of the party of course, but because Jeff leaving for a month really was a big deal. They had finished their last finals a couple of hours ago and the next morning they would be leaving campus. Ordinarily that wouldn't have kept them apart for too long. Jeff lived a fairly good distance away from Nick, just outside of Cincinnati, but they routinely drove to visit each other during holidays. Typically it would be Jeff who would come to see Nick and stay for a few days since it also served as a break from his family. Only rarely did Nick spend much time at the Sterlings' home, usually only when Jeff wasn't allowed to leave.

However, for this particular summer things were going to be different. In two days' time Jeff and his brother John would be flying to Spokane, Washington to spend a few weeks with their older half-sister, Robyn. News of the trip had come only recently and Nick knew that Jeff was both extremely excited and extremely nervous about the visit. Jeff hadn't seen Robyn in person since before he was John's age, but he had a lot of happy childhood memories of her which he had shared with Nick.

“Let's go to the party,” Jeff said quietly, interrupting Nick from his thoughts.

“It might be really nice for us to just hang out by ourselves here,” Nick answered sincerely, suddenly very much liking the idea. It hadn't occurred to him before because he had always just assumed that they would go to the party, but as he thought about his impending separation from Jeff a major part of him just wanted to wrap the blond up in his arms and not let go until they had to say goodbye.

“No, I'm just being stupid. We really should go,” Jeff insisted, anxiety and determination warring for control of his face.

“You're not being stupid, Jeffy, but how come you're so nervous about this party? We've been to lots of Warbler parties.” As he spoke Nick led Jeff away from the closet and over to his bed. He realized that he could kill two birds with one stone by finding out what was wrong with Jeff and also using it as an excuse to cuddle for a little while. In recent days they hadn't needed a whole lot of excuses to hug or hold each other, so a serious talk about feelings would definitely qualify.

Nick pulled Jeff down on the bed next to him and they lay facing each other. Almost instantly Nick felt himself physically responding as they established eye contact, their faces only inches apart. Nick was kind of amazed by his own self-control; all he wanted to do was close the small distance and seal his mouth over Jeff's. Instead he gave him an affectionate smile and rubbed his side. “What's different about this party?”

“Alcohol. David said he was going to sneak some in, but I've never drunk before. I'm scared if I don't drink the other guys will make fun of me, but I'm scared if I do drink I'll give away my secret. I just don't know what it's gonna do to me.” Jeff spoke softly, but without any hesitation and his eyes never left Nick's. Nick could practically _feel_ how much Jeff trusted him and apart from making his heart flutter it made him feel like he had a lead pipe in his pants. 

With herculean effort Nick managed to avoid kissing Jeff as he scooted in closer and pressed their foreheads together. As he did so, Jeff edged forward to meet him and his shirt bunched up enough to leave Nick's hand resting on the bare skin of his side, just above his waist. Right away Jeff readjusted his shirt to cover himself, but Nick couldn't bring himself to let go – it just felt too good. Instead he casually left his hand in place which resulted in it too being covered by Jeff's shirt. Jeff's eyes widened briefly in evident surprise, but he seemed untroubled.

A sigh escaped Nick's mouth. Jeff's skin felt  _so_ good beneath his hand – warm, tingly, alive with energy. He gently curled his fingers around the smooth, lean flesh and could just feel the curve of Jeff's  muscles where t hey began dipping in slightly to form the small of his back. Nick cursed himself for never having tried to find a way to cuddle with Jeff shirtless before. Now he would have to wait at least a month if not longer.

“I love you,” Nick whispered, still staring into Jeff's glittering brown eyes.

“I love you too,” Jeff whispered back, his breath caressing Nick's lips.

_Oh god, kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him! This is the perfect moment. KISS HIM!_

“Are you going to do it?” Jeff asked softly.

“Is it okay?” Nick whispered for final confirmation as he shut his eyes and braced himself. His heart was racing. This was finally going to happen.

“Of course, but if you do, I won't,” Jeff answered, speaking in a normal tone of voice and making Nick flinch both at the words and their unexpected volume.

“Um, what?” Nick asked, opening his eyes and furrowing his brow.

“I just don't think we should both drink tonight. If one of us stays sober he can keep an eye on the other one,” Jeff explained.

“Good point,” Nick answered. He frowned and rolled onto his back, letting go of Jeff's waist as the moment passed.

“You should drink if you want to. It kinda gives me an excuse not to, and you'll probably have more fun than I would,” Jeff reasoned also rolling onto his back, but taking Nick's hand with his own and playfully bouncing them on the mattress.

Nick smiled in spite of the situation and turned his head to look at his best friend. “Thanks, Jeff. That's cool of you,” he said letting his thumb lightly stroke over Jeff's knuckles, but otherwise doing his best to hide his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: The chapter was a bit challenging for me as I tried to get into Nick's feelings. I hope it came out the way I intended. Please let me know what you thought. Thanks!


End file.
